As my son ages, I find myself blogging less and less. It's not that I have less to say. More that our life is very full and I'm trying to find the balance in blogging and safeguarding my son's privacy as he's entering those challenging teen years. In the early years, this blog was my free therapy. Who has time for counseling?!? I never thought anyone would actually read it. Seriously? Who cares about a middle age mom with a kid like mine? But I wrote it anyway because my blog was an outlet for the fear, hurt, and confusion that comes with raising a child with special needs. As time went on, it became evident that people were reading it. People in Thailand and Germany and Russia. People in France and Japan and the United States. I got messages from people all around the world asking questions. Looking for answers. I got messages from people thanking me for sharing my experiences because it helped them better understand kids with special needs. Many of them had no experience with a child like mine. Reading about our experiences made them more mindful, less judgmental, even kinder. Most importantly, I got messages from parents saying "Thank you. I'm not alone. Someone else feels the way I feel and experiences what I experience."
With all of that said, let me take advantage of my free therapy, my online support system, and tell you about the start of this new school year. It's been entertaining to say the least. (She said half laughing, half weeping.) Our youngest son has entered the sixth grade. Middle school. If you've been following along, you remember that he transitioned to middle school last year in the fifth grade with much anticipation and trepidation. We were fearful to say the least. When his learning support teacher left for a different teaching position within weeks of starting the year, our fear turned to terror. What were we going to do? How was he going to adjust? Amazingly, he had the best school year that he's had in years. That replacement learning support teacher? A gift from God. She GOT him. I mean really, truly GOT him. Understood him. She had the unique talent and ability to balance holding him accountable, while pushing him further, while supporting him as he stretched and grew. She was a blessing. His whole year was a blessing. Honor roll. Distinguished honor roll. It was amazing. He was amazing.
Last year was so amazing that when we got his PSSA scores and he once again scored Below Basic in English/Language Arts and Basic in math, we were angered and outraged on his behalf. After all his hard work; all their hard work; all our hard work, his scores had not improved. Our frustration inspired me to reach out to our special education director and ask what could be done. Our son who desperately needs positive peer interaction was kept from attending school clubs and groups because he has constant PSSA remediation. Yet, the PSSA scores did not reflect those remediation efforts or his outstanding report card grades. What could be done? In complete agreement that life is more than a standardized test that is not designed to reflect the efforts of any child with learning issues, she took our concern to the school superintendent. God bless this man!!!! He is a true child advocate and teacher advocate. He made the decision to allow kids like our son to take part in school activities as long as their efforts continue and their grades reflect those efforts. Score one for the kids! Thank you sir. We are forever in your debt.
This year isn't what any of us expected. Our son started school thrilled with life because his brother got a truck and is taking him to school everyday. No more riding the bus with the mean girl. He was given permission to join groups and clubs. He's switching to percussion in the band. Last year, he had excellent report cards. In his mind, he had this school thing all figured out. It was finally all going his way. His new catch phrase was "I got this Mom!"
Then reality struck. Fast forward to the present. It has not been a pretty transition. Over the summer, his blocking and stuttering had decreased so much so that his family doctor wanted to take it off his medical record. I asked him not to. Thank goodness I did. Since school has started, he is back to blocking. He's back to stuttering. The drooling has returned. He has eaten two shirt collars within the last week. The old anxiety behaviors are all back with a vengeance. Bedtime has been a nightmare. He can't sleep. He has an upset stomach all the time. He's developing migraines so severe that he had to leave school vomiting. In the first two weeks of school, he incorrectly attended three classes that he wasn't supposed to be in. He forgot to attend another class that he was supposed to attend. His learning support teacher is on maternity leave until the end of the first quarter so he is trying to transition to a new grade with new teachers and new expectations with a substitute. Today, I got a call from the school from his teacher because he's had an issue in her room two days in a row.
I"m a teacher with all the preparation and planning that goes with that position. In addition, I commute an hour and a half everyday. I'm president of the band parent association at our sons' school. My husband is an officer in the fire company. Our lives are FULL! How do we manage it all? How do we make it all work? No. Seriously. I'm asking....
Okay. He's what we do. We pray. I mean specific "Thanks God. You are mighty and awesome and all powerful. But Lord... I need X, Y, and Z to get through this night." Specific, meaningful, heartfelt prayer. We ask our friends and loved ones to pray, those same specific needs. We take a deep breath and we just breathe. We communicate. Together and with those that can be a support for us. We listen. Son, what's happening? What do you need? How can we fix this? What are your plans for this situation in the future? We problem solve as a family and as a team. We read and research and make suggestions when we think we have an idea or a solution. We communicate with the school team (even if they don't always seem thrilled to hear from you). Most importantly, we love one another. Even when it's not fun and it's not easy and it would be easier to give up or give in. Giving up is never an option.
And sometimes... just sometimes... all the pieces come together beautifully, as if maybe God is up there laughing, saying "Child, I had you the whole time." and you find yourself on the other side of the ugly in a better place than you started. God is good. He sees us through. He is our rock and our foundation. Those aren't just words. They are our truth. I AM NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO DO THIS ON MY OWN. God is my strength. God is my salvation. God answers prayer. He did today. He does everyday.... even when we can't see it in the darkness.
Don't give up. You are not alone.
Wednesday, September 13, 2017
Wednesday, March 29, 2017
Shining Moments After the Storm
Walking in the door from work, I walked straight into the early stages of a full on meltdown. After a full day of work and a forty-five minute drive home, I resisted the urge to turn around and walk back out the door. Long story short, our youngest son hadn't listened to his older brother's repeated requests to sit down on the bus, fell as the bus made a turn, and badly jammed his finger. It was bruised, swollen, and quite painful. His brother was frustrated and angry. He was embarrassed and hurting. Attempts to talk to him, examine the injury, or process the situation further escalated the situation. Before he could reach a point of no control, I wrapped his hand in a icy water bag (which he strongly resisted), wrapped his hand with a towel, settled him on the couch, and wrapped him in the softest fleece blanket that we own. Whenever he attempted to talk, cry, fuss, or spin, I simply re-tucked the blanket, soothed, shushed, and settled him again. I then left him alone to fuss to himself as I unloaded his backpack and attempted to decipher our homework agenda for the evening. Once I had his homework laid out, pencils, chew toppers, and erasers gathered, and his weighted lap throw heated and ready, I went to see if he could move forward with his evening. Instead, I discovered him soundly sleeping where I had left him.
My initial reaction to the sight of him peacefully sleeping was "Oh crap!" In the past, an episode like this that led to him sleeping it off meant he was asleep for the evening. With three subjects of homework to complete, I envisioned him getting behind in his schoolwork, further ensuring that we would have more battles and arguments over school and homework. I decided that I would let him sleep for an hour before attempting to rouse him to see if he could regroup and move forward with his evening. It probably wouldn't be pretty but was a better alternative to getting behind in school.
About the time, I was going to start to wake him, he woke with a growl, fuss, and stumble. Apparently, he had woke himself but wasn't fully awake yet. He was confused, in pain, and not processing well. To head off a re-escalation, I steered him toward the shower and sent him for an early bath. He protested, fussed, and continued to react with confusion. Once the warm water hit him, he at started to relax as I had hoped he would. A warm bath is a tool we have used in the past to help him soothe himself when he doesn't seem to be able to regulate himself effectively. Thankfully, it worked this time as well.
After finishing his shower, he was back to his usual pleasant, cooperative self. He was DEFINITELY exhausted though. You could see the fatigue in his face and eyes. I heated him some leftovers, got him a Tylenol and Ibuprofen for his hand, and laid out a simple plan for our evening. Now that the storm had passed, he agreed to all that I suggested. After finishing his food, we attempted and completed all three subjects of homework. It wasn't our greatest evening of learning and comprehension but at least the work was finished. We cleaned up and rewarded ourselves with a cuddle on the couch while we watched cake decorating videos on YouTube. (His choice. He wants to go to culinary school and specialize in cake decorating.)
So, why am I sharing this evening's events with you? Why should you care? It's very simple. This evening's events are a HUGE step in the right direction. He had a meltdown but on a scale from 1 to 10. This was a 5. Our evening had all the ingredients for a really bad night. It had the potential for repercussions that could have caused a ripple through the next several evenings. Instead, we regrouped, recovered, and salvaged the evening, ending it on a very positive note. At bedtime, as he snuggled in bed, we were even able to discuss how his injury had occurred and what could have prevented it. This is progress. Big progress. That progress hasn't just happened over night. It's taken a lot of hard work, consistency, teamwork, and love. Lots and lots of love.
In terms of progress, we are seeing it all around us. While he was sleeping, I had contacted his teacher's by email to let them know that he may not have his homework done. We were going to attempt to get it done but I wanted them forewarned. When I contacted them, I was told that he had received a SOAR card (school wide positive reinforcement) earlier that day for responsible completion of an assignment in his free time. The day before, I had talked with his learning support teacher who shared with me how well he is doing in school and how much she loves working with him. She commented several times about his positive attitude and good work ethic.
My husband, our oldest son, and I processed the evening after our youngest was in bed and asleep for the night. We often discuss where we are at with him and what we need to do. I recognized that it is a serious challenge for all of us to deal with his outbursts some days and to keep him together and functioning outside of our home. But I also had to share what I had been told by his teaching team. He is successful. His learning support teacher said that some of his peers have recently commented on how much better his eating skills have gotten. They said he used to wear his food all over his clothes and now he rarely does. She said that she doesn't have to remind him to clean his face or check himself for neatness. He now does it for himself with few reminders. He has made honor roll every quarter this school year. So far, he even made distinguished honor roll one of the three quarters. I pointed out the significance of that. Two years ago, we sat in a meeting with his teaching team. When I voiced concern that his grades were not what they had been in previous years and I felt he was capable of more, his teacher told me quite plainly that his days of earning A's and B's may be over. I may have to learn to accept that. I agreed and left the comment pass because I knew it came from a well meaning individual who believed that was all that my son was capable of earning. But in my heart, I knew that was not the case. So when we transitioned to the next level of learning, to a new building, new team, new routine, new expectations, and he has earned honor roll every quarter... We celebrate! We rejoice! We give thanks for the growth. We let him shine. And when he shines for them and falls apart for us... We love him through it. We hold him up. We walk beside him through the dark so that we can be there to watch him shine again.
* A very special thank you to my husband and oldest son for walking the journey beside me. Without you both, none of this progress would be possible. I love you both more than words can express.
My initial reaction to the sight of him peacefully sleeping was "Oh crap!" In the past, an episode like this that led to him sleeping it off meant he was asleep for the evening. With three subjects of homework to complete, I envisioned him getting behind in his schoolwork, further ensuring that we would have more battles and arguments over school and homework. I decided that I would let him sleep for an hour before attempting to rouse him to see if he could regroup and move forward with his evening. It probably wouldn't be pretty but was a better alternative to getting behind in school.
About the time, I was going to start to wake him, he woke with a growl, fuss, and stumble. Apparently, he had woke himself but wasn't fully awake yet. He was confused, in pain, and not processing well. To head off a re-escalation, I steered him toward the shower and sent him for an early bath. He protested, fussed, and continued to react with confusion. Once the warm water hit him, he at started to relax as I had hoped he would. A warm bath is a tool we have used in the past to help him soothe himself when he doesn't seem to be able to regulate himself effectively. Thankfully, it worked this time as well.
After finishing his shower, he was back to his usual pleasant, cooperative self. He was DEFINITELY exhausted though. You could see the fatigue in his face and eyes. I heated him some leftovers, got him a Tylenol and Ibuprofen for his hand, and laid out a simple plan for our evening. Now that the storm had passed, he agreed to all that I suggested. After finishing his food, we attempted and completed all three subjects of homework. It wasn't our greatest evening of learning and comprehension but at least the work was finished. We cleaned up and rewarded ourselves with a cuddle on the couch while we watched cake decorating videos on YouTube. (His choice. He wants to go to culinary school and specialize in cake decorating.)
So, why am I sharing this evening's events with you? Why should you care? It's very simple. This evening's events are a HUGE step in the right direction. He had a meltdown but on a scale from 1 to 10. This was a 5. Our evening had all the ingredients for a really bad night. It had the potential for repercussions that could have caused a ripple through the next several evenings. Instead, we regrouped, recovered, and salvaged the evening, ending it on a very positive note. At bedtime, as he snuggled in bed, we were even able to discuss how his injury had occurred and what could have prevented it. This is progress. Big progress. That progress hasn't just happened over night. It's taken a lot of hard work, consistency, teamwork, and love. Lots and lots of love.
In terms of progress, we are seeing it all around us. While he was sleeping, I had contacted his teacher's by email to let them know that he may not have his homework done. We were going to attempt to get it done but I wanted them forewarned. When I contacted them, I was told that he had received a SOAR card (school wide positive reinforcement) earlier that day for responsible completion of an assignment in his free time. The day before, I had talked with his learning support teacher who shared with me how well he is doing in school and how much she loves working with him. She commented several times about his positive attitude and good work ethic.
My husband, our oldest son, and I processed the evening after our youngest was in bed and asleep for the night. We often discuss where we are at with him and what we need to do. I recognized that it is a serious challenge for all of us to deal with his outbursts some days and to keep him together and functioning outside of our home. But I also had to share what I had been told by his teaching team. He is successful. His learning support teacher said that some of his peers have recently commented on how much better his eating skills have gotten. They said he used to wear his food all over his clothes and now he rarely does. She said that she doesn't have to remind him to clean his face or check himself for neatness. He now does it for himself with few reminders. He has made honor roll every quarter this school year. So far, he even made distinguished honor roll one of the three quarters. I pointed out the significance of that. Two years ago, we sat in a meeting with his teaching team. When I voiced concern that his grades were not what they had been in previous years and I felt he was capable of more, his teacher told me quite plainly that his days of earning A's and B's may be over. I may have to learn to accept that. I agreed and left the comment pass because I knew it came from a well meaning individual who believed that was all that my son was capable of earning. But in my heart, I knew that was not the case. So when we transitioned to the next level of learning, to a new building, new team, new routine, new expectations, and he has earned honor roll every quarter... We celebrate! We rejoice! We give thanks for the growth. We let him shine. And when he shines for them and falls apart for us... We love him through it. We hold him up. We walk beside him through the dark so that we can be there to watch him shine again.
* A very special thank you to my husband and oldest son for walking the journey beside me. Without you both, none of this progress would be possible. I love you both more than words can express.
Tuesday, February 14, 2017
My Secret Bad Days
I'm hoping that tonight's post is read and received in the light that it is intended. I have had the idea to share this post for awhile but have repeatedly shied away for fear of how it would be interpreted. That fact that the idea keeps nagging at me lends me the strength to overcome my fears and post it, praying that it will be received with understanding. My intention is to shine light on a parenting truth that lies hidden away deep in a mother's heart. I don't think that I am the only person to feel this way or to feel ashamed that I do feel this way at times. If you can relate and it brings you some peace or if it helps you to understand and feel empathy for another parent, than I will have accomplished my goal.
One of the greatest challenges of parenting is that it is a job without end. Having a child with special needs, medical issues, and/or learning concerns increases the intensity of that job. Working with children all day that share similar needs/characteristics of your own child means that you live in a world immersed in the same trials without end. You go to work and face those challenges. You come home and continue to face those challenges. You go to sleep for too few hours and start the process all over again. The cycle continues without end, day after day, week after week. Most days, you have the strength. You love the challenge. You thrive in the successes. There is joy in overcoming challenges and meeting goals.
But then there are those other days. Those days that you don't want to talk about. You're afraid to share those thoughts with your friends and family. You're hesitant to speak of it to your spouse. You barely dare to acknowledge it to yourself.
Living with a child who finds most aspects of life a challenge can at times be like living in an abusive relationship from which you cannot escape. Cannot. Dare not. They love you with every ounce of their being. Logically you know that. But you are their safe place. You are the one person that they can vent to, vent on, unload on, HATE, and they know that at the end of the day, you will still be there. Keep them safe. Still love them. Still help them keep it together. Still help them move forward. And when it's over for them, when their rage, fear, anxiety, insecurity, frustration has passed, you are left holding the pain of it. As the parent, you must be the adult. You must hold it together. You must parent. Period. No choice.
But sometimes. Just sometimes. You don't want to.
It's painful to admit. Sometimes, when you feel ill, or have a migraine, or you're just plain tired, like deep down in your soul tired, you just don't want to. You feel like you can't. It's almost too much. You're driving home thinking "I don't want to do this tonight. I don't want to fight over homework. I don't want to be the verbal punching bag. I don't want to reason with an unreasonable person. I don't want to face the blowup. I just can't." Then you have people tell you what a great parent you are or tell you how amazing your child is and you think "I'm a hypocrite. It's all lies. If they only knew!"
But the reality is, I don't think I'm alone. I don't think I'm the only one who has these rare but secretly awful, dreadful days. So here's the take away. If you have days like this from time to time, you are not alone. If you choose to love your child through the good AND the bad, putting one foot in front of the other, and getting the hard work of parenting done, then the bad days don't win. Your child wins. You win. Because each day you get them through successfully is a step towards independence, growth, and progress. Each day you brush off the ugly and choose to laugh or find joy is a win for you and your family. Keep fighting. They are worth it. You're worth it. You CAN do this. You are NOT alone.
Monday, January 16, 2017
Managing Meltdowns
I want to start tonight's blog with a disclaimer -
I have a master's degree in education. I am certified to teach N-3/K-6, English K-12, social studies K-12, and I'm "Highly Qualified" in the state of Pennsylvania to teach science K-12 in an alternative setting. In spite of all those fancy credentials, I do NOT consider myself an expert with all the answers. Instead, I would first and foremost consider myself a mother with a teaching background that has gained a lot of experience and knowledge along the way. If my experience and knowledge can help another parent, then I'll feel like I've accomplished something positive. This parenting thing isn't easy. Parenting a child with special needs makes a complicated job even harder. If you're a parent looking for answers and not sure where to turn, you're not in this alone. There are lots of us on the same journey. Maybe we can teach each other something along the way. I know my child has been my greatest teacher.
The number one question I am asked by readers of this blog is "How do you manage a meltdown? What can I do to prevent a meltdown?" I've attempted to answer this question on numerous occasions but it's never a simple answer. There are no right answers when it comes to managing these behaviors. With that said, here's some of my "experience" and "knowledge" on that particular topic.
First, it is helpful if you can identify if the child is losing control because of a behavioral issue or because of an inability to control his/her response to stimulation or a particular situation. For example, there is a clear difference between a child that has thrown herself on the ground and is throwing a screaming temper tantrum in the middle of the store because she was told she can't have candy and a child who has lost control because the lighting, volume, or other sensory stimulation in the store is more than she can tolerate at that moment. In both cases, the behavior needs to be addressed and managed but identifying the source of the behavior may help you better manage the situation.
If your child is prone to meltdown behavior or tantrum behavior, I strongly recommend starting a notebook. Write down the date, time, and location of the meltdown. Who was present? What was the environment like? What was happening prior to the meltdown? Is your child more likely to lose control at home, at school, or in public places? Is your child more likely to lose control with you, with certain family members, with school staff, or with strangers? Is it it more likely to occur in noisy locations? Bright lights? Busy locations? Write down as many environmental factors as you can recall. What did your child have to eat and drink that day? What medications had your child taken? Really take the time to document as much data as you can recall. Hopefully by doing so, a trend will start to emerge that will help you identify a trigger that is setting off the meltdowns.
Okay. In terms of practical, in the moment tools that can be utilized to help manage out of control behaviors, it definitely depends on the level of out of control that we are talking about. Some kids who meltdown, hit themselves or others. Bite themselves or others. Run away or run and hide. Scream and cry. My son's eyes glaze over and lose focus. He loses awareness that we are even there with him. He appears to be lost in his own world. It's hard to witness. It can be hard to manage.
Remain calm. Yeah, right. Easier said than done, huh? But really. Remain calm. Talk a deep breath. Or two. Or three. Remember that this is not about you. It's not personal. This is about your child's inability to manage himself. If you can't remain calm, you can't help him.
Talk very little. If your child is truly melting down, he isn't even processing what you are saying. Talking tends to escalate the situation and keeps you from remaining calm. If you talk, use a calm voice. Short phrases. "Shh. It's okay." "Shh. Let's just breath." Make your voice soothing. Model the breathing.
Touch only to maintain safety or to soothe. If your child will allow you to hold him and rock him, then by all means use that tool to soothe. For some children, the combination of rocking and soothing whispers helps to calm and soothe. If physical touch further escalates your child, then only touch to keep him from hurting himself or others. Touch can be useful as a tool to reconnect once the child is calmer but for some children, touch at that moment feels like a violation, an attempt to control. If your child is prone to frequent meltdowns and physical violence during those meltdowns, I strongly recommend seeking out a course in Safe Crisis Management. These classes teach de-escalation skills and safe ways to help manage your child's physical aggressiveness. Never pin your child to the floor with your body weight. Never tie your child up or attempt to use physical restraints in any way. The child could be injured and the emotional trauma could increase the likelihood of future meltdowns.
As your child loses steam and starts to calm down, help her to continue to calm herself. This is NOT the time to give consequences or discuss what started the episode. Instead, help the child to bring herself back under control. This may be a good time to sit beside her and talk calmly and quietly. "That's right. We're calming down. Take some nice slow breathes." If she finds it soothing, rubbing her back or giving a loose hug may reassure her that she is still loved in spite of her loss of control. Focus on slow breathing. Focus on calming down completely. Some children will fall asleep afterward. Allow her to rest. There is plenty of time to follow up after she is in a better state of mind.
I'll get into prevention in a minute but first, follow up after a meltdown is vital. When a child loses control, it is important to follow up to discuss what happened, to reconnect as family members, and to problem solve how to repair the situation. These conversations should be calm and loving. Keep the facts short and to the point. Try not to use accusatory words and tone of voice. When your home and life are disrupted by these episodes it's not easy to keep it impersonal but it needs to be. The focus should remain on helping the child identify what went wrong and how to fix it. "Before we talk, I need you to know that I love you and I'm always going to love you. When we went to the store today, we needed to leave early because you became overwhelmed by the situation. Let's talk about what we can do differently next time." Take the time to listen to what your child has to say. Offer suggestions or ideas. See how they react. If your child is younger or lower functioning, this step may need to be kept very simple. "I love you. I'm sorry we had a hard time at the store today. It hurts to see you that upset. How does it make you feel when that happens? I wonder what we can do differently next time to make it easier for you to go to the store and help me." The follow up conversation is critically important to re-establish the bond that may feel bruised after an explosive episode.
In terms of preventing meltdowns, that brings us back to our earlier conversation about identifying triggers. If you can identify what triggers your child's meltdowns, it gives you something to work with. The intensity of some triggers such as smell or noise aversions may be reduced by slow and careful exposure in a supportive way. You may need the assistance of professionals such as occupational therapists, therapists, learning support teachers, etc. Some situational triggers may need careful behavior modification training. Again, professionals may be able to assist you in identifying the best methods and techniques to achieve success.
In our experience, medication had little to no impact on reducing the frequency or intensity of our son's meltdowns. Matter of fact, two medications that his neurology team tried actually increased his tendency for meltdowns. We have had the greatest success with traditional behavior modification techniques. I personally put a lot more faith in the power of prevention than in medication. We have taught our son relaxation and calming techniques. Through preventative conversations, we have problem solved how he should calm himself when he feels himself losing control. Our son is a runner. When he becomes agitated, he tends to run in circles or run and hide while repetitively muttering the same couple phrases over and over. At one point, his desire to flee an undesirable situation would cause him to run out the door and run outside. Our fear was that he would run out onto the road or hurt himself in his desire to flee. We needed to problem solve as a family a better alternative to running. Over a period of time and many, many conversations, we have increased the likelihood that our son will go crawl in my bed or go to his room until he feels calmer. Going to his room is less successful than going to my bed because he tends to mutter to himself and work himself up when he flees to his room. I think he associates my bed with crawling in bed with us early on a Saturday morning and cuddling. At least I think that's why it works better. Maybe it's a smell. The feel of the bed. The colors in the room. Who knows.
This transition from melting down and/or running away didn't happen over night. It's not a hundred percent fool proof yet but it's a step in the right direction. This journey for self-regulation has been a work in progress. As he has grown, the need for him to self regulate has increased. Our son has always been big for his age. As he continues to grow, it is evident that he will be a large man. He must learn to regulate his emotions in order to avoid hurting himself or others. This is part of the conversation that we as a family have frequently had with him.
Read everything that you can find from reliable resources. Websites ending in .edu are associated with a school and .gov are associated with the government. These websites are most likely to be vetted and reliable. Nationally recognized and respected organizations such as Autism Speaks may be a good source of information. Consult with school and medical resources. Join a parent support group. Finally, if you are struggling with meltdowns, know that you are not alone.
http://www.childcarequarterly.com/pdf/winter12_eci.pdf
http://www.autismspeaks.org/docs/100_day_kit_for_school_age_children_final_small.pdf
*Your child may not have autism but this resource shares some great information and other valuable resources.
I have a master's degree in education. I am certified to teach N-3/K-6, English K-12, social studies K-12, and I'm "Highly Qualified" in the state of Pennsylvania to teach science K-12 in an alternative setting. In spite of all those fancy credentials, I do NOT consider myself an expert with all the answers. Instead, I would first and foremost consider myself a mother with a teaching background that has gained a lot of experience and knowledge along the way. If my experience and knowledge can help another parent, then I'll feel like I've accomplished something positive. This parenting thing isn't easy. Parenting a child with special needs makes a complicated job even harder. If you're a parent looking for answers and not sure where to turn, you're not in this alone. There are lots of us on the same journey. Maybe we can teach each other something along the way. I know my child has been my greatest teacher.
The number one question I am asked by readers of this blog is "How do you manage a meltdown? What can I do to prevent a meltdown?" I've attempted to answer this question on numerous occasions but it's never a simple answer. There are no right answers when it comes to managing these behaviors. With that said, here's some of my "experience" and "knowledge" on that particular topic.
First, it is helpful if you can identify if the child is losing control because of a behavioral issue or because of an inability to control his/her response to stimulation or a particular situation. For example, there is a clear difference between a child that has thrown herself on the ground and is throwing a screaming temper tantrum in the middle of the store because she was told she can't have candy and a child who has lost control because the lighting, volume, or other sensory stimulation in the store is more than she can tolerate at that moment. In both cases, the behavior needs to be addressed and managed but identifying the source of the behavior may help you better manage the situation.
If your child is prone to meltdown behavior or tantrum behavior, I strongly recommend starting a notebook. Write down the date, time, and location of the meltdown. Who was present? What was the environment like? What was happening prior to the meltdown? Is your child more likely to lose control at home, at school, or in public places? Is your child more likely to lose control with you, with certain family members, with school staff, or with strangers? Is it it more likely to occur in noisy locations? Bright lights? Busy locations? Write down as many environmental factors as you can recall. What did your child have to eat and drink that day? What medications had your child taken? Really take the time to document as much data as you can recall. Hopefully by doing so, a trend will start to emerge that will help you identify a trigger that is setting off the meltdowns.
Okay. In terms of practical, in the moment tools that can be utilized to help manage out of control behaviors, it definitely depends on the level of out of control that we are talking about. Some kids who meltdown, hit themselves or others. Bite themselves or others. Run away or run and hide. Scream and cry. My son's eyes glaze over and lose focus. He loses awareness that we are even there with him. He appears to be lost in his own world. It's hard to witness. It can be hard to manage.
Remain calm. Yeah, right. Easier said than done, huh? But really. Remain calm. Talk a deep breath. Or two. Or three. Remember that this is not about you. It's not personal. This is about your child's inability to manage himself. If you can't remain calm, you can't help him.
Talk very little. If your child is truly melting down, he isn't even processing what you are saying. Talking tends to escalate the situation and keeps you from remaining calm. If you talk, use a calm voice. Short phrases. "Shh. It's okay." "Shh. Let's just breath." Make your voice soothing. Model the breathing.
Touch only to maintain safety or to soothe. If your child will allow you to hold him and rock him, then by all means use that tool to soothe. For some children, the combination of rocking and soothing whispers helps to calm and soothe. If physical touch further escalates your child, then only touch to keep him from hurting himself or others. Touch can be useful as a tool to reconnect once the child is calmer but for some children, touch at that moment feels like a violation, an attempt to control. If your child is prone to frequent meltdowns and physical violence during those meltdowns, I strongly recommend seeking out a course in Safe Crisis Management. These classes teach de-escalation skills and safe ways to help manage your child's physical aggressiveness. Never pin your child to the floor with your body weight. Never tie your child up or attempt to use physical restraints in any way. The child could be injured and the emotional trauma could increase the likelihood of future meltdowns.
As your child loses steam and starts to calm down, help her to continue to calm herself. This is NOT the time to give consequences or discuss what started the episode. Instead, help the child to bring herself back under control. This may be a good time to sit beside her and talk calmly and quietly. "That's right. We're calming down. Take some nice slow breathes." If she finds it soothing, rubbing her back or giving a loose hug may reassure her that she is still loved in spite of her loss of control. Focus on slow breathing. Focus on calming down completely. Some children will fall asleep afterward. Allow her to rest. There is plenty of time to follow up after she is in a better state of mind.
I'll get into prevention in a minute but first, follow up after a meltdown is vital. When a child loses control, it is important to follow up to discuss what happened, to reconnect as family members, and to problem solve how to repair the situation. These conversations should be calm and loving. Keep the facts short and to the point. Try not to use accusatory words and tone of voice. When your home and life are disrupted by these episodes it's not easy to keep it impersonal but it needs to be. The focus should remain on helping the child identify what went wrong and how to fix it. "Before we talk, I need you to know that I love you and I'm always going to love you. When we went to the store today, we needed to leave early because you became overwhelmed by the situation. Let's talk about what we can do differently next time." Take the time to listen to what your child has to say. Offer suggestions or ideas. See how they react. If your child is younger or lower functioning, this step may need to be kept very simple. "I love you. I'm sorry we had a hard time at the store today. It hurts to see you that upset. How does it make you feel when that happens? I wonder what we can do differently next time to make it easier for you to go to the store and help me." The follow up conversation is critically important to re-establish the bond that may feel bruised after an explosive episode.
In terms of preventing meltdowns, that brings us back to our earlier conversation about identifying triggers. If you can identify what triggers your child's meltdowns, it gives you something to work with. The intensity of some triggers such as smell or noise aversions may be reduced by slow and careful exposure in a supportive way. You may need the assistance of professionals such as occupational therapists, therapists, learning support teachers, etc. Some situational triggers may need careful behavior modification training. Again, professionals may be able to assist you in identifying the best methods and techniques to achieve success.
In our experience, medication had little to no impact on reducing the frequency or intensity of our son's meltdowns. Matter of fact, two medications that his neurology team tried actually increased his tendency for meltdowns. We have had the greatest success with traditional behavior modification techniques. I personally put a lot more faith in the power of prevention than in medication. We have taught our son relaxation and calming techniques. Through preventative conversations, we have problem solved how he should calm himself when he feels himself losing control. Our son is a runner. When he becomes agitated, he tends to run in circles or run and hide while repetitively muttering the same couple phrases over and over. At one point, his desire to flee an undesirable situation would cause him to run out the door and run outside. Our fear was that he would run out onto the road or hurt himself in his desire to flee. We needed to problem solve as a family a better alternative to running. Over a period of time and many, many conversations, we have increased the likelihood that our son will go crawl in my bed or go to his room until he feels calmer. Going to his room is less successful than going to my bed because he tends to mutter to himself and work himself up when he flees to his room. I think he associates my bed with crawling in bed with us early on a Saturday morning and cuddling. At least I think that's why it works better. Maybe it's a smell. The feel of the bed. The colors in the room. Who knows.
This transition from melting down and/or running away didn't happen over night. It's not a hundred percent fool proof yet but it's a step in the right direction. This journey for self-regulation has been a work in progress. As he has grown, the need for him to self regulate has increased. Our son has always been big for his age. As he continues to grow, it is evident that he will be a large man. He must learn to regulate his emotions in order to avoid hurting himself or others. This is part of the conversation that we as a family have frequently had with him.
Read everything that you can find from reliable resources. Websites ending in .edu are associated with a school and .gov are associated with the government. These websites are most likely to be vetted and reliable. Nationally recognized and respected organizations such as Autism Speaks may be a good source of information. Consult with school and medical resources. Join a parent support group. Finally, if you are struggling with meltdowns, know that you are not alone.
http://www.childcarequarterly.com/pdf/winter12_eci.pdf
http://www.autismspeaks.org/docs/100_day_kit_for_school_age_children_final_small.pdf
*Your child may not have autism but this resource shares some great information and other valuable resources.
Saturday, November 12, 2016
Do You Resent Your Child?
If you have been following our journey, you know that since transitioning to middle school in the fall, our youngest son has experienced phenomenal growth. This time of maturing and adapting has given us hope that some day we may reach that elusive goal of "normal". Because in spite of professing to accept and love our son for who he is, recent events have made me have to face the fact that I still want our life to be just that. I want our life to be normal.
To say that our son's transition to middle school was a source of anxiety for all of us would be an understatement. We were dreading it. When he made the transition successfully, we started to hope. After his new learning support teacher resigned to take a position in a different school district three weeks into the new school year, we held our breath. Not only did this change in personnel, not affect his school performance and progress, it seemed to challenge him to be even more independent. This step in maturity gave us even greater hope. He was managing school work, in school therapy sessions, and band practice. To imagine that all of this could be possible with so little coaching and micro-managing our our part, blew our minds. When he finished the first quarter with all As, placing him on the distinguished honor roll, something inside of me clicked. In my mind, we had made it. We were experiencing normal. We could only go up from here.
Little did I know that the tide was about to turn. Three weeks ago, as I sat blogging about the amazing progress that our son has experienced since transitioning to middle school, our son's body was once again preparing to throw him back into a regression. As I've discussed in the past, our son's developmental cycle involves pronounced and often exaggerated periods of growth, followed by plateaus and often even greater regressions. These periods of regression involve an increase in stuttering, blocking, drooling, and chewing on non-food items such as clothing and pencils. It also involves a decrease in motor planning, executive functioning skills, and concentration/focus. Up until recently, this cycle was our normal. It's something that we had learned to accept and manage.
During our son's regression periods, he often becomes frustrated with himself and his situation. In turn, he becomes frustrated with us as we attempt to help him manage as he becomes incapable of managing independently. He resents our assistance because he craves independence. As our son progressed into this most recent regression period, he and I began to butt heads. It seemed like he and I were arguing or frustrated with one another on a daily basis. I typically find the humor in even the darkest of days. For the last couple weeks, I found very little to laugh about when it came to dealing with my son. We loved each other but we couldn't seem to be civil to one another. Ironically, it was my job as a teacher that made me see the light. And when I did, I was very ashamed of myself.
As I've said more than once in the past, throughout our journey with our youngest son, I have always promised myself that I would be honest with him, our family, and myself about our reality. One day, while problem solving a solution to a recurring issue with one of my students, it occurred to me that I have not been honest with myself. I've been hiding the truth because it isn't a very pretty one. I resented my son. I did. I resented my son for daring to regress. For taking away our new normal. For struggling.
The truth of that realization hurt deeply. Our son is struggling to hold it all together. To keep maintaining. To talk. To read. To learn. To coordinate his body movements. To make and keep friends. To be as normal as he can be. As I resented him deep down inside as he struggled and dared to regress. That moment of truth literally took my breath away and brought me to tears. This period of growth and my pride in his growth had felt REALLY good. Matter of fact, it had felt exceptional. It had felt "normal".
Improbably, during this period of regression, our son is finding success. We attended his parent/teacher conference at school and his teaching team had nothing but positive things to say about him. They love him. He is forgetting and losing things more frequently than he had previously but he's maintaining. His grades have dropped slightly in the past two weeks but he is maintaining.
At a recent social event we hosted at our home, he became over stimulated and as we attempted to help him calm down, he started to meltdown. In front of everyone. It was embarrassing. My husband was eventually able to get him to walk away from the group in an attempt to help him calm down, when our son stopped and offered a solution. Out of no where, he asked if he could go play in his basement for a little until he was calmer. This was the first time our son has ever offered a solution to help calm himself in the midst of a meltdown. Talk about growth. If and when, we repeat that moment, we are on the road to self-regulation. When he begins to be able to self-regulate, we work toward preventing the need to self-regulate. Will he eventually be able to calm down or walk away from an over stimulating situation when he perceives other people's reactions to his energy or behavior? This is a long term goal we are working toward.
It's always easy to take pride in my oldest son. He's good looking, smart, funny, and most importantly, he's a genuinely good kid. My youngest son is adorable. He's also smart, funny, and a genuinely good kid. My moment of honesty made me take a step back and realize that I have even greater reasons to be proud of our youngest son. He is resilient. He never gives up and never stops trying. He loves school and learning like no one else I know in spite of all his challenges. He LOVES life and finds the joy in everything. People around him feel better after spending time with him. He's funny. He can come back with a witty, clever one-liner faster than most adults that I know. He loves to harass, tease, and laugh with people. I've seen him make even the most irritable and grouchy individual smile. He has empathy and genuine care and concern for everyone. If someone is upset, hurt, or lonely, our son feels for them and will attempt to help them feel better. Who wouldn't take pride in a child like that?
So what's the take away in this story? After identifying my hidden resentment of my son and his most recent regression, I purposely changed my attitude. I strove to find the humor in the situation again. I chose to recognize the wonderful things that my son is doing in his daily life. I worked to change my interactions with him for the positive. Not surprisingly, the dynamic in our interactions has changed. Our interactions aren't fairy tale perfect but they are positive and loving and healthy again. As the adults in our family relationships, we CHOOSE how we respond to our loved ones. Do we choose love? Do we look for the positive? Can we be honest with ourselves about how we feel about our loved ones and choose to behave and feel differently?
Do you sometimes resent your child? If you do, you CAN do something about it. You can change the dynamic and make it more loving again. More importantly, if you do, you're not alone. You aren't in this alone.
To say that our son's transition to middle school was a source of anxiety for all of us would be an understatement. We were dreading it. When he made the transition successfully, we started to hope. After his new learning support teacher resigned to take a position in a different school district three weeks into the new school year, we held our breath. Not only did this change in personnel, not affect his school performance and progress, it seemed to challenge him to be even more independent. This step in maturity gave us even greater hope. He was managing school work, in school therapy sessions, and band practice. To imagine that all of this could be possible with so little coaching and micro-managing our our part, blew our minds. When he finished the first quarter with all As, placing him on the distinguished honor roll, something inside of me clicked. In my mind, we had made it. We were experiencing normal. We could only go up from here.
Little did I know that the tide was about to turn. Three weeks ago, as I sat blogging about the amazing progress that our son has experienced since transitioning to middle school, our son's body was once again preparing to throw him back into a regression. As I've discussed in the past, our son's developmental cycle involves pronounced and often exaggerated periods of growth, followed by plateaus and often even greater regressions. These periods of regression involve an increase in stuttering, blocking, drooling, and chewing on non-food items such as clothing and pencils. It also involves a decrease in motor planning, executive functioning skills, and concentration/focus. Up until recently, this cycle was our normal. It's something that we had learned to accept and manage.
During our son's regression periods, he often becomes frustrated with himself and his situation. In turn, he becomes frustrated with us as we attempt to help him manage as he becomes incapable of managing independently. He resents our assistance because he craves independence. As our son progressed into this most recent regression period, he and I began to butt heads. It seemed like he and I were arguing or frustrated with one another on a daily basis. I typically find the humor in even the darkest of days. For the last couple weeks, I found very little to laugh about when it came to dealing with my son. We loved each other but we couldn't seem to be civil to one another. Ironically, it was my job as a teacher that made me see the light. And when I did, I was very ashamed of myself.
As I've said more than once in the past, throughout our journey with our youngest son, I have always promised myself that I would be honest with him, our family, and myself about our reality. One day, while problem solving a solution to a recurring issue with one of my students, it occurred to me that I have not been honest with myself. I've been hiding the truth because it isn't a very pretty one. I resented my son. I did. I resented my son for daring to regress. For taking away our new normal. For struggling.
The truth of that realization hurt deeply. Our son is struggling to hold it all together. To keep maintaining. To talk. To read. To learn. To coordinate his body movements. To make and keep friends. To be as normal as he can be. As I resented him deep down inside as he struggled and dared to regress. That moment of truth literally took my breath away and brought me to tears. This period of growth and my pride in his growth had felt REALLY good. Matter of fact, it had felt exceptional. It had felt "normal".
Improbably, during this period of regression, our son is finding success. We attended his parent/teacher conference at school and his teaching team had nothing but positive things to say about him. They love him. He is forgetting and losing things more frequently than he had previously but he's maintaining. His grades have dropped slightly in the past two weeks but he is maintaining.
At a recent social event we hosted at our home, he became over stimulated and as we attempted to help him calm down, he started to meltdown. In front of everyone. It was embarrassing. My husband was eventually able to get him to walk away from the group in an attempt to help him calm down, when our son stopped and offered a solution. Out of no where, he asked if he could go play in his basement for a little until he was calmer. This was the first time our son has ever offered a solution to help calm himself in the midst of a meltdown. Talk about growth. If and when, we repeat that moment, we are on the road to self-regulation. When he begins to be able to self-regulate, we work toward preventing the need to self-regulate. Will he eventually be able to calm down or walk away from an over stimulating situation when he perceives other people's reactions to his energy or behavior? This is a long term goal we are working toward.
It's always easy to take pride in my oldest son. He's good looking, smart, funny, and most importantly, he's a genuinely good kid. My youngest son is adorable. He's also smart, funny, and a genuinely good kid. My moment of honesty made me take a step back and realize that I have even greater reasons to be proud of our youngest son. He is resilient. He never gives up and never stops trying. He loves school and learning like no one else I know in spite of all his challenges. He LOVES life and finds the joy in everything. People around him feel better after spending time with him. He's funny. He can come back with a witty, clever one-liner faster than most adults that I know. He loves to harass, tease, and laugh with people. I've seen him make even the most irritable and grouchy individual smile. He has empathy and genuine care and concern for everyone. If someone is upset, hurt, or lonely, our son feels for them and will attempt to help them feel better. Who wouldn't take pride in a child like that?
So what's the take away in this story? After identifying my hidden resentment of my son and his most recent regression, I purposely changed my attitude. I strove to find the humor in the situation again. I chose to recognize the wonderful things that my son is doing in his daily life. I worked to change my interactions with him for the positive. Not surprisingly, the dynamic in our interactions has changed. Our interactions aren't fairy tale perfect but they are positive and loving and healthy again. As the adults in our family relationships, we CHOOSE how we respond to our loved ones. Do we choose love? Do we look for the positive? Can we be honest with ourselves about how we feel about our loved ones and choose to behave and feel differently?
Do you sometimes resent your child? If you do, you CAN do something about it. You can change the dynamic and make it more loving again. More importantly, if you do, you're not alone. You aren't in this alone.
Saturday, October 22, 2016
The Importance of Play
Prior to transitioning to middle school in the fall, I often worried if our youngest son spent too much time in imaginative play. He's ten years old but still loves to play with stuffed animals, puppets, manipulatives, blocks, and trains. When other children seem to be so "grown up", he seems to find comfort in playing creatively with imaginative type play. After watching his successful, responsible transition to middle school and taking a step back to observe the benefits of his play, I no longer worry. I celebrate. Maybe I even envy him a little.
As a pre-k teacher, I know the benefits of play for young children. Play is their work. True learning takes place during child directed, imaginative play. It is an essential part of appropriate developmental growth. In a world where children seem to be pushed to mature much too quickly, play seems to have become lost. When a child still engages in imaginative play, they seem to be immature according to today's standards. But the benefits we have observed from his play are incredibly important to his development and his emotional growth.
Although our son has global developmental delays, his greatest area of delay has consistently been in the areas of language, communication, and reading. In spite of that, he LOVES language, communication, and reading. He is always writing plays, stories, or poems. We frequently struggle to get him to complete a reading homework assignment but an hour later find him down in the basement writing a play for his stuffed animals to act out. Reading a chapter for homework is torture for him and for us but he wants to hear a bedtime story every single night and frequently writes his own short stories and poems. Play allows him to creatively express those thoughts, ideas, and stories that are locked inside that constantly spinning brain.
Play is often a reflection of our son's worries and concerns. Our youngest son rarely opens up and discusses what he is worried about. Instead, he tends to internalize negative emotions. Observing his play can shed insight into his thoughts and fears. For example, my husband has had several medical tests/procedures this month as the doctors attempt to find some answers regarding his health. Although we have discussed the situation with the boys, individually and as a family, our youngest son has still been worried. Recently, he has forgotten his homework agenda and assignments several times. Other behaviors showed us that he may be worrying about what was going on with his father's health. The clearest indication that we needed to get him talking and share his worries was when he started playing surgeon. This is not one of his typical imaginative play activities. Multiple times in the last week or so, we have found him in the basement wearing gloves, hovering over a "patient" as he performed surgery. Interacting with him during these moments or getting him to tell us about his play activity allowed insight into what he was thinking and feeling.
One of the greatest benefits of our son's imaginative play is the way it hones his problem solving skills. As you may have surmised, our son has almost free reign of the basement. It's his kingdom. His domain. While creating worlds of imagination, he needs to figure out what materials he has at his disposal; what he can use to realistically act out the scenario he has created in my mind; and what will most accurately create the world he is imagining. His favorite scenario is creating a classroom. It often involves seating, test tables, syllabus, worksheets, and students. Observing his classroom play provides great insight into how things are going for him at school. Another favorite activity is when he creates the Chopped kitchen. Chopped, from the Food Network, is one of his favorite shows. He often acts out the cooking competition with his stuffed animals. Surprisingly, he rarely wins the competition. Apparently Bear cooks a pretty mean dish of chili. Becoming a chef is one of his future aspirations. It's a goal he continues to push us toward. The frequency of this play scenario tells us how important it is to him.
Imaginative play allows our son to express himself and work through the tornado that spins through his mind on a daily basis. This non-structured, self-driven time allows him to relax, express himself, and be who he really is without expectations, parameters, or guidelines. There are no IEP goals. No OT, PT, or speech goals. It's just him and his imagination figuring things out together. I think I could learn a thing or two from my son. I think I need more time to play. Less time meeting other people's expectations, time restraints, and deadlines. More play. Less work. Maybe then I could learn to attack life ferociously like he does.
As a pre-k teacher, I know the benefits of play for young children. Play is their work. True learning takes place during child directed, imaginative play. It is an essential part of appropriate developmental growth. In a world where children seem to be pushed to mature much too quickly, play seems to have become lost. When a child still engages in imaginative play, they seem to be immature according to today's standards. But the benefits we have observed from his play are incredibly important to his development and his emotional growth.
Although our son has global developmental delays, his greatest area of delay has consistently been in the areas of language, communication, and reading. In spite of that, he LOVES language, communication, and reading. He is always writing plays, stories, or poems. We frequently struggle to get him to complete a reading homework assignment but an hour later find him down in the basement writing a play for his stuffed animals to act out. Reading a chapter for homework is torture for him and for us but he wants to hear a bedtime story every single night and frequently writes his own short stories and poems. Play allows him to creatively express those thoughts, ideas, and stories that are locked inside that constantly spinning brain.
Play is often a reflection of our son's worries and concerns. Our youngest son rarely opens up and discusses what he is worried about. Instead, he tends to internalize negative emotions. Observing his play can shed insight into his thoughts and fears. For example, my husband has had several medical tests/procedures this month as the doctors attempt to find some answers regarding his health. Although we have discussed the situation with the boys, individually and as a family, our youngest son has still been worried. Recently, he has forgotten his homework agenda and assignments several times. Other behaviors showed us that he may be worrying about what was going on with his father's health. The clearest indication that we needed to get him talking and share his worries was when he started playing surgeon. This is not one of his typical imaginative play activities. Multiple times in the last week or so, we have found him in the basement wearing gloves, hovering over a "patient" as he performed surgery. Interacting with him during these moments or getting him to tell us about his play activity allowed insight into what he was thinking and feeling.
One of the greatest benefits of our son's imaginative play is the way it hones his problem solving skills. As you may have surmised, our son has almost free reign of the basement. It's his kingdom. His domain. While creating worlds of imagination, he needs to figure out what materials he has at his disposal; what he can use to realistically act out the scenario he has created in my mind; and what will most accurately create the world he is imagining. His favorite scenario is creating a classroom. It often involves seating, test tables, syllabus, worksheets, and students. Observing his classroom play provides great insight into how things are going for him at school. Another favorite activity is when he creates the Chopped kitchen. Chopped, from the Food Network, is one of his favorite shows. He often acts out the cooking competition with his stuffed animals. Surprisingly, he rarely wins the competition. Apparently Bear cooks a pretty mean dish of chili. Becoming a chef is one of his future aspirations. It's a goal he continues to push us toward. The frequency of this play scenario tells us how important it is to him.
Imaginative play allows our son to express himself and work through the tornado that spins through his mind on a daily basis. This non-structured, self-driven time allows him to relax, express himself, and be who he really is without expectations, parameters, or guidelines. There are no IEP goals. No OT, PT, or speech goals. It's just him and his imagination figuring things out together. I think I could learn a thing or two from my son. I think I need more time to play. Less time meeting other people's expectations, time restraints, and deadlines. More play. Less work. Maybe then I could learn to attack life ferociously like he does.
Friday, September 30, 2016
The Art of Re-evaluation
It has been weeks since I last wrote about our son's transition to middle school. It was a great source of anxiety for all of us. We didn't really know what to expect from the education team, from ourselves, or from our son. There were so many questions and concerns but only time was going to show us what our son was capable of in this new setting.
Over half-way through the grading period and so far, transitioning to middle school has been an unqualified success. His first quarter progress report shows him earning all As. Conversations with his teaching team reveal that he has a positive attitude about learning and puts genuine effort into his schoolwork. He has joined beginner band and decided to play the baritone. There have been few tears or issues. He's even working on his sensory issues and trying to wear jeans every day like a big kid. So far, so good.
So why the amazing transition? How did the kiddo that started fourth grade earning a 64% in reading become the kiddo that is earning a 92% in language arts? How did the boy who couldn't remember to bring home textbooks, agendas, or papers become the young man who not only remembers all those things, but also negotiates private band lessons, PSSA remediation sessions, and OT, PT, and speech sessions, in addition to his regular education schedule? What accounts for this amazing success?
Him.
The success has always been in there.
Always.
As we transitioned to the middle school setting, we as a family needed to re-evaluate how we operated; what our priorities were; and how we were going to continue from this point forward. Truthfully, it really was a family effort. Without the four of us working together, this success would not have been possible.
My husband and I decided that we needed to take a step back. We needed to put the responsibilities of self-management squarely on our son's shoulders. We needed to let him feel some of the discomfort of NOT fitting in with his peers, NOT being responsible with classwork, and NOT behaving in age appropriate ways. This was really hard. It hurts to see your child struggle. But struggle brings growth. And grow he did! It's been amazing to watch. He's still weird. He's still not always age appropriate. He still struggles with his same age peers. But he is growing. He is succeeding.
Our oldest son decided to continue to support his brother and become a bigger source of guidance and advice. He was less patient about enabling his brother's immature behaviors. Our oldest expected his brother to step up and help out. Be mature. Be responsible. Act his age. This shift caused some conflict between them for a little bit. When you love and support each other as much as our two boys do, the conflict didn't last long. Our oldest is still his brother's biggest supporter. Our youngest still thinks his big brother can do no wrong. Making his big brother proud and marching with him in marching band during his senior year of high school (only two years away) has become one of his biggest motivators in band and in school.
The greatest shift in thinking and behavior though came from our youngest son. He identified that he no longer wished to attend out-patient therapies. It was his desire to spend that time and energy on school related activities. He wanted to prove that he could manage himself independently without these supports. And step up, he did.
When he started to fall into his old pattern of forgetting materials, we reminded him of his decisions. He did better. He hasn't forgotten his agenda or materials since that rough week three weeks ago. When he started to blow up over homework, venting his frustration on his family instead of buckling down and facing how hard it was and how frustrating it was, we sat him down and taught him how to manage his frustration. We discussed calming techniques. We decided as a team what he was going to try to manage his frustration. We practiced. We taught, practiced, and reminded. He stepped up and succeeded. Since that rough week, three weeks ago, there have been no explosions. He has gotten frustrated but regrouped, maintained, and continued without a blowup or explosion. No meltdowns. Success.
Life hasn't been perfect. It is a constant state of evaluating where we are; how we are doing; and what we need to do to continue to succeed. Parenting is like walking on a tight rope. When things get out of balance, you have to check up, re-evaluate, compensate, and move forward. Praise the positive. Look for it. Seek it out. Celebrate it. When you don't see the behaviors that you want from your child, model them. Teach them. Practice them. Re-teach them. When you see behaviors repetitively that you don't want to see, re-evaluate. What has been working? What hasn't been working? Have you taught the correct behavior? Have you recognized the success? Above all else, love. Love. Love some more.
The final component that can't be forgotten is God's Grace. When life got really frustrating, we built in time for God. We started reading daily devotionals. We prayed together. We used prayer to identify concerns. We used prayer to problem solve together. God's time. God's way. I am grateful to be part of the journey. I can't wait to see where we are headed. It's going to be an adventure.
Over half-way through the grading period and so far, transitioning to middle school has been an unqualified success. His first quarter progress report shows him earning all As. Conversations with his teaching team reveal that he has a positive attitude about learning and puts genuine effort into his schoolwork. He has joined beginner band and decided to play the baritone. There have been few tears or issues. He's even working on his sensory issues and trying to wear jeans every day like a big kid. So far, so good.
So why the amazing transition? How did the kiddo that started fourth grade earning a 64% in reading become the kiddo that is earning a 92% in language arts? How did the boy who couldn't remember to bring home textbooks, agendas, or papers become the young man who not only remembers all those things, but also negotiates private band lessons, PSSA remediation sessions, and OT, PT, and speech sessions, in addition to his regular education schedule? What accounts for this amazing success?
Him.
The success has always been in there.
Always.
As we transitioned to the middle school setting, we as a family needed to re-evaluate how we operated; what our priorities were; and how we were going to continue from this point forward. Truthfully, it really was a family effort. Without the four of us working together, this success would not have been possible.
My husband and I decided that we needed to take a step back. We needed to put the responsibilities of self-management squarely on our son's shoulders. We needed to let him feel some of the discomfort of NOT fitting in with his peers, NOT being responsible with classwork, and NOT behaving in age appropriate ways. This was really hard. It hurts to see your child struggle. But struggle brings growth. And grow he did! It's been amazing to watch. He's still weird. He's still not always age appropriate. He still struggles with his same age peers. But he is growing. He is succeeding.
Our oldest son decided to continue to support his brother and become a bigger source of guidance and advice. He was less patient about enabling his brother's immature behaviors. Our oldest expected his brother to step up and help out. Be mature. Be responsible. Act his age. This shift caused some conflict between them for a little bit. When you love and support each other as much as our two boys do, the conflict didn't last long. Our oldest is still his brother's biggest supporter. Our youngest still thinks his big brother can do no wrong. Making his big brother proud and marching with him in marching band during his senior year of high school (only two years away) has become one of his biggest motivators in band and in school.
The greatest shift in thinking and behavior though came from our youngest son. He identified that he no longer wished to attend out-patient therapies. It was his desire to spend that time and energy on school related activities. He wanted to prove that he could manage himself independently without these supports. And step up, he did.
When he started to fall into his old pattern of forgetting materials, we reminded him of his decisions. He did better. He hasn't forgotten his agenda or materials since that rough week three weeks ago. When he started to blow up over homework, venting his frustration on his family instead of buckling down and facing how hard it was and how frustrating it was, we sat him down and taught him how to manage his frustration. We discussed calming techniques. We decided as a team what he was going to try to manage his frustration. We practiced. We taught, practiced, and reminded. He stepped up and succeeded. Since that rough week, three weeks ago, there have been no explosions. He has gotten frustrated but regrouped, maintained, and continued without a blowup or explosion. No meltdowns. Success.
Life hasn't been perfect. It is a constant state of evaluating where we are; how we are doing; and what we need to do to continue to succeed. Parenting is like walking on a tight rope. When things get out of balance, you have to check up, re-evaluate, compensate, and move forward. Praise the positive. Look for it. Seek it out. Celebrate it. When you don't see the behaviors that you want from your child, model them. Teach them. Practice them. Re-teach them. When you see behaviors repetitively that you don't want to see, re-evaluate. What has been working? What hasn't been working? Have you taught the correct behavior? Have you recognized the success? Above all else, love. Love. Love some more.
The final component that can't be forgotten is God's Grace. When life got really frustrating, we built in time for God. We started reading daily devotionals. We prayed together. We used prayer to identify concerns. We used prayer to problem solve together. God's time. God's way. I am grateful to be part of the journey. I can't wait to see where we are headed. It's going to be an adventure.
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