My Secret Bad Days

I'm hoping that tonight's post is read and received in the light that it is intended.  I have had the idea to share this post for awhile but have repeatedly shied away for fear of how it would be interpreted.  That fact that the idea keeps nagging at me lends me the strength to overcome my fears and post it, praying that it will be received with understanding.  My intention is to shine light on a parenting truth that lies hidden away deep in a mother's heart.  I don't think that I am the only person to feel this way or to feel ashamed that I do feel this way at times.  If you can relate and it brings you some peace or if it helps you to understand and feel empathy for another parent, than I will have accomplished my goal.

One of the greatest challenges of parenting is that it is a job without end.  Having a child with special needs, medical issues, and/or learning concerns increases the intensity of that job.  Working with children all day that share similar needs/characteristics of your own child means that you live in a world immersed in the same trials without end.  You go to work and face those challenges.  You come home and continue to face those challenges.  You go to sleep for too few hours and start the process all over again.  The cycle continues without end, day after day, week after week.  Most days, you have the strength.  You love the challenge.  You thrive in the successes.  There is joy in overcoming challenges and meeting goals.  

But then there are those other days.  Those days that you don't want to talk about.  You're afraid to share those thoughts with your friends and family.  You're hesitant to speak of it to your spouse.  You barely dare to acknowledge it to yourself.  

Living with a child who finds most aspects of life a challenge can at times be like living in an abusive relationship from which you cannot escape.  Cannot.  Dare not.  They love you with every ounce of their being.  Logically you know that.  But you are their safe place.  You are the one person that they can vent to, vent on, unload on, HATE, and they know that at the end of the day, you will still be there.  Keep them safe.  Still love them.  Still help them keep it together.  Still help them move forward.  And when it's over for them, when their rage, fear, anxiety, insecurity, frustration has passed, you are left holding the pain of it.  As the parent, you must be the adult.  You must hold it together.  You must parent.  Period.  No choice.

But sometimes.  Just sometimes.  You don't want to.  

It's painful to admit.  Sometimes, when you feel ill, or have a migraine, or you're just plain tired, like deep down in your soul tired, you just don't want to.  You feel like you can't.  It's almost too much.  You're driving home thinking "I don't want to do this tonight.  I don't want to fight over homework.  I don't want to be the verbal punching bag.  I don't want to reason with an unreasonable person.  I don't want to face the blowup.  I just can't."  Then you have people tell you what a great parent you are or tell you how amazing your child is and you think "I'm a hypocrite.  It's all lies.  If they only knew!"  

But the reality is, I don't think I'm alone.  I don't think I'm the only one who has these rare but secretly awful, dreadful days.  So here's the take away.  If you have days like this from time to time, you are not alone.  If you choose to love your child through the good AND the bad, putting one foot in front of the other, and getting the hard work of parenting done, then the bad days don't win.  Your child wins.  You win.  Because each day you get them through successfully is a step towards independence, growth, and progress.  Each day you brush off the ugly and choose to laugh or find joy is a win for you and your family.  Keep fighting.  They are worth it.  You're worth it.  You CAN do this.  You are NOT alone.