The Art of Re-evaluation

It has been weeks since I last wrote about our son's transition to middle school.  It was a great source of anxiety for all of us.  We didn't really know what to expect from the education team, from ourselves, or from our son.  There were so many questions and concerns but only time was going to show us what our son was capable of in this new setting.

Over half-way through the grading period and so far, transitioning to middle school has been an unqualified success.  His first quarter progress report shows him earning all As.  Conversations with his teaching team reveal that he has a positive attitude about learning and puts genuine effort into his schoolwork.  He has joined beginner band and decided to play the baritone.  There have been few tears or issues.  He's even working on his sensory issues and trying to wear jeans every day like a big kid.  So far, so good.

So why the amazing transition?  How did the kiddo that started fourth grade earning a 64% in reading become the kiddo that is earning a 92% in language arts?  How did the boy who couldn't remember to bring home textbooks, agendas, or papers become the young man who not only remembers all those things, but also negotiates private band lessons, PSSA remediation sessions, and OT, PT, and speech sessions, in addition to his regular education schedule?  What accounts for this amazing success?

Him.

The success has always been in there.

Always.

As we transitioned to the middle school setting, we as a family needed to re-evaluate how we operated; what our priorities were; and how we were going to continue from this point forward.  Truthfully, it really was a family effort.  Without the four of us working together, this success would not have been possible.

My husband and I decided that we needed to take a step back.  We needed to put the responsibilities of self-management squarely on our son's shoulders.  We needed to let him feel some of the discomfort of NOT fitting in with his peers, NOT being responsible with classwork, and NOT behaving in age appropriate ways.  This was really hard.  It hurts to see your child struggle.  But struggle brings growth.  And grow he did!  It's been amazing to watch.  He's still weird.  He's still not always age appropriate.  He still struggles with his same age peers.  But he is growing.  He is succeeding.

Our oldest son decided to continue to support his brother and become a bigger source of guidance and advice.  He was less patient about enabling his brother's immature behaviors.  Our oldest expected his brother to step up and help out.  Be mature.  Be responsible.  Act his age.  This shift caused some conflict between them for a little bit.  When you love and support each other as much as our two boys do, the conflict didn't last long.  Our oldest is still his brother's biggest supporter.  Our youngest still thinks his big brother can do no wrong.  Making his big brother proud and marching with him in marching band during his senior year of high school (only two years away) has become one of his biggest motivators in band and in school.

The greatest shift in thinking and behavior though came from our youngest son.  He identified that he no longer wished to attend out-patient therapies.  It was his desire to spend that time and energy on school related activities.  He wanted to prove that he could manage himself independently without these supports.  And step up, he did.

When he started to fall into his old pattern of forgetting materials, we reminded him of his decisions.  He did better.  He hasn't forgotten his agenda or materials since that rough week three weeks ago.  When he started to blow up over homework, venting his frustration on his family instead of buckling down and facing how hard it was and how frustrating it was, we sat him down and taught him how to manage his frustration.  We discussed calming techniques.  We decided as a team what he was going to try to manage his frustration.  We practiced.  We taught, practiced, and reminded.  He stepped up and succeeded.  Since that rough week, three weeks ago, there have been no explosions.  He has gotten frustrated but regrouped, maintained, and continued without a blowup or explosion.  No meltdowns.  Success.

Life hasn't been perfect.  It is a constant state of evaluating where we are; how we are doing; and what we need to do to continue to succeed.  Parenting is like walking on a tight rope.  When things get out of balance, you have to check up, re-evaluate, compensate, and move forward.  Praise the positive.  Look for it.  Seek it out.  Celebrate it.  When you don't see the behaviors that you want from your child, model them. Teach them. Practice them. Re-teach them.  When you see behaviors repetitively that you don't want to see, re-evaluate.  What has been working?  What hasn't been working?  Have you taught the correct behavior?  Have you recognized the success?  Above all else, love.  Love.  Love some more.

The final component that can't be forgotten is God's Grace.  When life got really frustrating, we built in time for God.  We started reading daily devotionals.  We prayed together.  We used prayer to identify concerns.  We used prayer to problem solve together.  God's time.  God's way.  I am grateful to be part of the journey.  I can't wait to see where we are headed.  It's going to be an adventure.