It's interesting how chaos can become a normal part of your life. Learning to survive each new struggle; jumping over each new hurdle; pushing on through each new obstacle becomes normal, even expected. What do you do when the storm subsides? What becomes your new normal?
We have been attempting to stabilize our son on an attention deficit disorder medication. As I have discussed recently, he started his third new medicine for this issue almost a month ago. Previous medical attempts resulted in unwanted adverse reactions. I am happy to report that his most recent medication has been not only successful, but also beneficial. For the first time since we started this process back in November, his teaching team is reporting a decrease in distractibility and impulsiveness. We have also not noticed the increased agitation that was previously experienced with the other medications that he tried. He is still having trouble focusing and controlling his impulsive tendencies in the afternoons but his neurologist had mentioned the possibility of needing to introduce an afternoon dose once he has been stabilized on the current medication. We are taking this process one step at a time. It has been nice to receive positive feedback from the school regarding his ability to focus.
In addition to our son's learning and developmental issues, usually around this time of year he develops an asthma flair that lasts most of the winter season. This year his asthma seems to be well controlled. He recently had a cold that developed into strep throat. Fortunately, it hasn't settled into his chest the way it has in years past. What a blessing!
If you've never lived with the constant need to watch for signs of illness or signs that your child is becoming overstimulated and at risk of becoming out of control, you will have a very hard time understanding what I am talking about. If you have lived with a chronically ill family member or a child with learning and/or developmental issues, then you may understand. When life begins to settle into a comfortable pattern, when the storm you have been living, begins to subside, you are left with a hole that needs to be filled. Time that was previously spent on this family member is now available. Energy that was spent on activity, planning, stress, and worry can now be put to use in other areas. Patterns of behavior between family members begin to shift and change and need to be renegotiated and adjusted. It opens the door to potentially positive change. It can also open the door to potentially destructive changes if you don't work as a team and communicate effectively with one another.
I will give an example of this for those who haven't been in our shoes. Maybe those that have can see a bit of themselves in our situation. Because my background is education/corrections and I am a Type A planner/overachiever by nature, I have had a tendency to take the lead in researching information regarding our son's health, learning, and developmental issues. I pushed for genetic testing. I researched and arranged for occupational, physical, and speech therapy. I researched, questioned, and pushed for answers regarding our son's issues. It become normal for me to take the lead in these things because it was my area of training and expertise. For a long time, my husband took a backseat in this process and followed my lead. It is only in recent years that he has taken a more active role in questioning and advising which direction we went with our son. It has been a transition and a shifting of roles for both of us. Even our sons had begun to fall into established roles. Our oldest saw himself as the "smart one" and the "good one". He is both of those things but we could see it was how he was beginning to identify himself in comparison to his brother. On the other hand, our youngest often seemed to identify himself as the "rebellious one". He was much more likely to be oppositional and difficult.
As life has begun to settle into a more positive version of normal, we have been working on slowly adapting and changing these roles that we had come to find ourselves in. It takes diligent conscious awareness of your behaviors as an individual and as a family member to recognize when the roles you have assumed have benefited the family and when they have hindered the family. Now that our family is out of crisis mode, it is no longer beneficial for me to take such a strong lead in all areas of our family life. There is a need to distribute the duties, chores and responsibilities. To continue to take that lead, will only lead to resentment and frustration down the line for everyone.
So what do you do when the storm subsides? Just like the aftermath of any storm, you take stock of where you are and what damage has been inflicted. You identify what resources are available and at your disposal. Finally, it must be recognized that change may be necessary and everyone must be willing to do their part to make the needed changes. I pray we continue to be up to the challenge. I pray we are working as a team to meet each other's needs. May the Lord continue to bless us with His blessings. He has seen us through some incredible challenges. I am grateful because they have brought us closer as a family.
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