My husband and I were enjoying a rare weekend without the boys. They were having a sleepover at their grandparents. We were having a quiet breakfast out by ourselves. Suddenly, the whole breakfast crowd turned and started staring at a little boy in the restaurant who was crying and throwing a fit. Each table had a small mind game on it, provided to entertain the customers while they waited for their food. Apparently, this little guy wanted to take his with him. He was loudly letting everyone in the restaurant know it. As everyone turned and stared, I could feel the parents' humiliation as they tried to shush him and move him along out of the restaurant. My husband and I looked at each other and exchanged a look. I could read his mind. We felt for them. There was a time, when we may have judged them as parents based on their child's behavior out in public. No longer. We've been there too many times ourselves since having our youngest child.
Most people that know us, know that our boys are well behaved, respectful and caring young men. They are also typical children who become tired, frustrated or disappointed. There have been many occasions when those feelings, paired with tiredness, have led my youngest to act out in public. On one such occasion, we had decided to take the boys to a local candy store/factory. It was supposed to be fun and a little bit educational. Unfortunately, we timed it poorly. My youngest is now too old for naps but some days would be better off if he still took one. This was one of those days. By the time we made it to the candy store, he had fallen asleep in the backseat of the car. Upon waking, he went into manic bounce mode. This NEVER ends well. Pairing that scenario with the over-stimulating experience of being surrounded by every kind of candy imaginable was more than he could take. He bounced. He grabbed. He got loud. He became frustrated and overwhelmed. I tried all my tricks. Redirection. One-on-one attention. Distraction. Verbal cues. None of it was working. Finally, I simply picked him up and carried him outside, leaving his Dad and brother to finish looking and shopping. He and I sat outside until he calmed down. Once he had regained control, we processed what had happened and what was expected of him. By then, his Dad and brother had finished and come outside. He was upset but it was a natural consequence of not being able to function the way he needed to. We discussed that we would come back for him to try again another day when he was better able to control himself (which we did successfully).
During this episode, I was judged. Of that, I have no doubt. I could feel my face become hot and flushed. It was embarrassing. You learn to recognize the faces. THOSE looks. The ones that say "Wow. Those parents have no control over that kid." or "They need to do something about that kid. He needs a time out or a nap or something." It's easy to judge if you haven't lived the experience. I understand. My son is very tall for his age. He could easily be mistaken for a child a year or two older than his age. Unfortunately, developmentally, he functions a year or so below his same age peers. It would be easy to look at him and see a seven year old behaving like a four year old and make judgements. They don't know how frustrating it is for him to try to communicate when he is frustrated because it just sort of "jams up his system". They haven't lived our experience.
Another form of judgement, is the advice offered, usually with a kind heart... but not always. The implied, "If you would do this, he wouldn't have this problem." or "If you did that, he wouldn't act that way." Advice is a tricky thing. If it is given, the person receiving it has a couple choices. They can use it; ignore it; or listen and modify it. The giver of advice can then be pleased, unaffected, or offended. Although advice is usually offered in a loving manner, it is often received in a judging manner. The receptive feeling is that you, as the parent, are not doing a good enough job. It is natural to feel that way, especially when you are already questioning every decision you make. As parents, we are doing the best that we know how given our personal experiences and knowledge.
Sometimes, it is the comments, often cast off casually, that can be hurtful or perceived as judgemental. The often heard, "They were really good for us" with that tone. Or the, "They slept in really late for us", again with that tone. Or the, "He didn't have a single problem with his breathing while he was with us." Simple statements. Innocently delivered. Heavy on the heart. Personalization? Transference? Possibly. But also, the feeling that maybe, just maybe, you could be doing better. Guilt? Exhaustion? Probably. Who knows. Regardless of the intention, regardless of the source, it is these little moments that make you question yourselves as parents. Are you doing enough? What could you do differently? These are the questions that keep you up at night.
So, did you feel for those two parents that morning in the restaurant? You bet. But you're also grateful for the lesson learned. You hope you have learned to be more gentle with the hearts of others. In addition, you have learned to not take these little moments of peace with one another for granted. They are few and far between but treasured. May we continue to be united in our efforts to raise strong willed, active boys into strong, independent, hard working men... If we survive them in the meantime!
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