"Here we go again", I think with a sigh. Over-stimulated, over-tired, and just plain frustrated, my youngest child has thrown himself on the floor and begun to throw a full blown temper tantrum. I know what has set it off. Having gone through this many times before, I know how this is going to progress and what is required to get it resolved. Saying a quick prayer for patience, I get to work getting him calm and back in control of himself.
Before I go any further, I need to start with a short disclaimer. My children are many things. They are hyper. Very active. Creative and full of energy. Harnessed in the right way, it is wonderful. Without an appropriate outlet... exhausting. They are social. Everyone is a potential friend and they expect others to respond in the same way. They are intelligent and resourceful. What they are not, is purposefully rude or disrespectful, nasty or vindictive. They have rules and boundaries. We live with very specific routines. These routines are sometimes the only thing that gets us through a day, as my youngest is a "rigid learner". So as I tell you about my youngest child's tantrums, view them through this perspective, and not the viewpoint that he is spoiled or undisciplined.
Around the age of three, my youngest child started showing bursts of real cognitive development. It was around this time period that we started to realize that we were working with a very smart guy trapped in a body that wouldn't let him communicate effectively. He had begun to make some progress in his speech and communication skills but they still lagged significantly behind his cognitive and social skills. It was around this same time period that he started throwing temper tantrums. These tantrums were, and still are, a direct response to his frustration and belief that he "isn't being heard".
His tantrums always occur when he is either over-stimulated, over-tired, or both. By nature, he is a happy loving child with a ready smile and a tendency to tease. When he is tired or too wound up, he loses the ability to listen or rationally hear what he is being told. Once he hears something that upsets him, he fixates on that and "shuts down". He throws himself to the floor, yelling loudly. Often he will begin to repetitively repeat the same phrase over and over. For example, "No bedtime. No bedtime." over and over. You can attempt to explain that you only wanted him to go get a bath to be ready for bedtime. It isn't really bedtime yet. But he is beyond hearing you. If he has gone into a full blown tantrum, his eyes become glassy. He starts sweating and writhing around. He screams and growls. There have been occasions when he hit his head on the floor and never even realized it. It is awful and exhausting.
When he was four, the tantrums were happening at least once a week. They were almost always severe and usually right before bedtime, when he was exhausted. I would carry him up to bed and hold him as he screamed these guttural screams or growled with frustration. All I could do was hold him and silently cry and wait for the tantrum to end. Talking didn't help. It only prolonged the process. Singing or telling him you loved him further enraged him and made him angrier. The only thing that helped was silently holding him, to keep him from hurting himself, and letting him wear himself out. When it was all over, we would quietly talk about what had happened. We would talk about what we could have done differently. Skills or alternatives would be problem solved and rehearsed. Eventually he would need to "go fix the problem". That required apologizing to whoever he had upset or argued with, and trying to resolve the situation with that individual.
There are very specific things that I have learned work to help prevent these tantrums or to help him get back into control. These were learned through trial and error. The most important is not letting him get worked up or frustrated to the point where he can't pull himself back. This is hardest to accomplish when other people are involved. They don't always understand the consequences of keeping his behavior and his environment under control. Another important factor is watching for his signs of tiredness. When he is very tired, my youngest child gets loud and hyper. The more tired he is, the less in control of his volume, his movements, and his impulsiveness he becomes. When he begins to show these signs, it is time to get him to bed or get him somewhere quiet to rest and "decompress". A final important step is when he is frustrated with himself, or a situation, he needs to be coached to slow down, take a deep breath, and express himself clearly. Diligence with these preventative measures has significantly reduced the number and severity of his tantrums.
His tantrums have had an effect on the whole family. My oldest child had to learn to take himself somewhere else and take care of himself until the situation was resolved. Fortunately, he is old enough and mature enough to do this. That doesn't mean it isn't upsetting to hear your brother that frustrated. My husband initially had a very hard time dealing with the tantrums. He felt he should have been able to handle them better. My son has a tendency to respond better to me than him in this instances. Part of the problem is personality. They are natured too much alike. Part of the problem is training and experience. I have worked in corrections since 1998 and have had lots of training and experience in working with escalated youth. It just became easier for me to deal with it myself. I began to resent my husband's lack of involvement, while lamenting my inability to help my son. We began to function as pairs and individuals instead of a family. A very unhealthy dynamic. Fortunately, we came to recognize this dysfunction and worked to resolve it. Our family unit has gained strength through our adversity.
Having a son like ours, has also taught me to be less judgemental of other parents. I'm not living their life. I don't know what their circumstances are. Therefore, it would be remiss of me to begin to judge them as parents based on the behavior of their children. Appearances can be extremely deceiving.
Time, increased communication skills, diligent preventative measures, and working as a family has decreased our son's tantrums. He has fewer and fewer. The severity of those tantrums has dramatically improved. It has been months since he has had a full blown tantrum. Our teamwork and communication as a family until has improved significantly. We continue to work on making time for each other and recognizing the efforts that each of us put forth for the family. It's not perfect, but it sure is good.
Thank you Lord for the love of family. Please continue to give us patience and insight into our motives and our motivations. May we always do what is best for one another. As the Christmas holiday quickly approaches, I am very grateful for these three men and look forward to another year of learning and growing together.
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