I began writing this blog years ago as a form of therapy. I needed an outlet to voice my pain, fears, and frustration. Conversely, I felt a desire to express the great joy that comes with being the parent of such an extraordinary son as ours. As an educator, I also felt the need to educate others about children like our son. Children that seem to be stuck in the middle. They aren't "normal" but they also aren't severely "special". They are only mildly special. I wanted other parents experiencing a similar journey to know that they aren't alone. I also wanted those who sit in judgement of parents to recognize that often there are circumstances beyond their understanding. Compassion can go a very long way.
One area of parenting that seems to bring the most swift and negative judgements from others are melt down behaviors. After the morning that we experienced, I felt the need to "educate" others about the difference between a melt down and a temper tantrum. I assure you that there is a clear and definitive difference. According to the U.S. National Library of Medicine, "temper tantrums are unpleasant and disruptive behaviors or emotional outbursts. They often occur in response to unmet needs or desires. Tantrums are most likely to occur in younger children or others who cannot express their needs or control their emotions when they get frustrated." A melt down can be very different. They are not caused by a spoiled child not getting a toy or treat. It is not being told no you can't go to the zoo. Quite often, they appear to be triggered by completely innocent or even indecipherable causes. In other words, they appear to be brought on by actions that would not trigger a "normal" child to tantrum.
This morning our son woke himself up REVVED! He bound out of bed full of excitement, sound, and movement. Our oldest son reported that when he ran to the bathroom to brush his teeth, our youngest son brushed his teeth while running in place. He said his feet were moving faster than his toothbrush. As he launched himself into the day, he rushed for his Kindle and started to load a game. He brother intervened and cautioned him that he should plug his Kindle into its charger because it only had forty-five percent battery life and he would want it for the fire hall breakfast. Those words were the trigger. Not "you can't have it". Not "put that down and stop playing now". A simple reminder that it needed charged so he would have it to use for the day.
Those simple words issued for his benefit, launched our youngest so into a melt down. He started screaming and running and panicking. When I attempted to intervene, slow him down, and explain what his brother was trying to say, he began to manically fight back, pushing and screaming. His eyes were glazed over. He was repetitively saying the same phrases over and over. I asked him to cuddle with me for a few minutes. "Let's just lay down here and calm our breathing. Relax." He lay down for less than a minute, body tight, breathing escalated before he started repeating the same phrases over and over again. He couldn't pull himself out of it. He was experiencing a melt down.
Please keep in mind that this was 6 am. Six in the morning. Our day started with a complete melt down at 6 am as we prepared to go to the fire hall to volunteer for a breakfast fundraiser. At the peak of our son's meltdown, my husband quickly finished his shower, dressed, and stepped into the moment. His intervention at that moment snapped our son out of his "state" and he was able to slowly regain control.
We have often experienced that if a melt down cannot be prevented, one parent must ride the storm to the peak. If we time it correctly, the other parent can step in, state the same words or explanation that the other parent had been attempting to convey, but the intervention of a different person at just the right moment "snaps him out of it". The problem occurs when we are home alone and he goes into such a state. Unfortunately, the only solution on those occasions has been to ride out the storm until our son exhausts himself.
As my husband patiently explained the same information to our son that his older brother and I had attempted to convey to him, I silently started sobbing. It's a horrible experience. To know that your son is so out of control. To know that you are helpless to get through to him. The fear that these moments will never stop, that he will continue to get bigger and stronger and harder to manage, hurts so deep inside that you wonder if that ache will ever heal.
But it does. And life goes on. Socks and shoes get put on. Pills get taken. Coats get put on and you continue with your day. For the child, it's over. His day is still "glitchy". Things don't seem to connect or click on these days. You can see the neurological causation at work in other areas more profoundly on these days. Speech is more bumpy. Movement is less coordinated. Thinking is less focused. Impulsiveness is more prevalent. For you, these experiences are never truly over because that ache is still there. You don't know when, where, or even why the next melt down is coming.
Positives? Can there be a positive with such an experience? Today as our son ranted and raced and raved, he stated multiple times "I haven't done this for awhile. I haven't done this in a long time." There is the positive. For the first time ever, there was a verbal recognition on his part that this behavior is not okay. It is not acceptable. It must end and not be repeated. It also tells us that he has been trying to NOT melt down. He wants to do better... And he has been. He is correct. We have not had a melt down in awhile. I pray it is the last. That is always my prayer.
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