The decision to place our youngest son on Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) medicine was not something we took lightly. It was a decision that we fought for a long time. We used behavior management techniques, dietary modification, and many of the other popular methods for trying to help a child cope with ADD. In spite of our best efforts, our son ultimately made the decision for us.
As I have discussed in previous postings, it was a series of events that led us to make the decision to place our son on ADD medication. His frustration with himself and his inability to focus and adequately express himself to others resulted in a very angry child. The final straw was the day I walked into the kitchen and found my son bleeding all over because he had attempted to cut up an apple for a snack rather than come and ask for help. His impulsive behavior was becoming more and more dangerous as his gross motor and fine motor skills improved.
It took awhile to find the right medicine that worked for him as it was intended. We were trying to treat ADD symptoms in a child that had complicated neurological issues that could not be explained simply as ADD. Ultimately, we found a medicine that didn't sedate him, didn't alter his moods or personality, but still offered a degree of impulse control. The medicine hasn't given him the degree of focus needed to help him get through a school day as well as the school had hoped but our biggest concern was being addressed. The medicine helped him slow down his thought process long enough to help him curb his impulsiveness and reduce the risk he often posed to himself.
Despite the gains we have made, I have often questioned our decision. You hear and read about those parents that are able to manage their child's ADD symptoms without the need for medicine and it makes me question if I am working hard enough. It makes me question my motivations. I try to always be honest with myself and my intentions. I have a fairly clear conscience when it comes to my son. His best interest is almost always my first priority.
Tonight, I was given clarity and resolution on this issue. After giving our son a haircut, I put him in the shower and went out to the living room to continue working on a test I was writing for my students. In a matter of minutes, he appeared, dripping wet and bleeding all over. I quickly dried him off so I could see where he was bleeding. He told me that he was trying to shave and cut his thumb with the razor. Thankfully, he had removed a swath of skin from his thumb but didn't appear to be bleeding from anywhere else. We applied pressure to the wound and then tightly bandaged it to stop the bleeding. Our next step was cleaning up the trail of blood that covered the bathroom, vanity drawers, toilet paper roll, towels, and bedroom floor.
His medicine had worn off in the early afternoon so he was back to "himself". Because we know he is impulsive, we keep all razors and sharp objects up out of reach. He had climbed to the ledge up above the shower to get a razor. He then used baby oil gel and attempted to shave his legs. When he sliced his thumb, he hopped out of the shower, dripping water everywhere, and attempted to stop the bleeding with toilet paper. When he couldn't stop the bleeding, he ran to the vanity and attempted to get band-aids to cover the slice. When that failed, he came to me in a panic.
While processing the situation, I questioned if he was bleeding anywhere else. Where had he used the razor? For a moment, he forgot how upset he was and proudly said "I shaved my legs. Feel how smooth they are." He gave me a big grin until he remembered that he had hurt himself and was upset.
I felt absolute clarity in that moment. This is why we put him on the medicine. His brain needed assistance to slow his thought process down enough to let him think through his ideas, impulses and decisions. When I look at where we were two years ago and where we are today, I am clear that we made the right decision for us. The medicine has given us the ability to breathe. Prior to the medicine, we were supervising an eight year-old with the same level of supervision that you would give a three or four year-old. We were hyper diligent to the point of controlling. The medicine has helped him start to develop a degree of self regulation that is more age appropriate for a boy of nine. It has allowed us to have a sense of confidence that we can allow him to take chances and begin to self regulate without us hovering over him. That growth is needed. It is to be celebrated.
I hate these moments that put the fear back in my mind because it's always in my heart. On the other hand, I'm grateful that we have made enough progress that I see it as a bad moment and not a sign that things are not going in the right direction. Instead, tonight's episode showed me how much progress we have made and where we were, how far we have come, and where we are going. I am grateful for moments of clarity. As always, I am grateful for God's grace.
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