It has been a really nice Christmas break for the whole family. We all needed the time away from school and work to rest, relax, and refuel. Other than host holiday dinners and gatherings, we have done very little. It was just what the doctor ordered.
Yesterday was our follow up with our youngest son's neurology team. They are in agreement that we haven't yet met the appropriate level for his new medicine to effectively address the concerns the school has regarding his impulsiveness and lack of focus. As a result, they bumped his current medicine up to the next level. We also discussed, and the neurology team confirmed, that there are several areas of concern that medicine cannot rectify. These "quirks" are simply unique to his neurological "wiring".
Two "quirks" that we continue to address on a fairly consistent basis are his lack of boundaries with other people and his lack of awareness of social cues. Both of these issues came to a head right before the Christmas break. The school received a letter from another parent regarding our youngest son. Apparently, he been pulling on the hood or stealing the hat of a younger student almost every day while waiting for the bus in the afternoon. The kindergartner was so afraid of our son that they were having trouble getting him to come to school. In today's day and age of bullying awareness, this letter was taken quite seriously by the teaching staff.
I know that many of those reading this will come down on one of two sides of the issue. One camp will feel terrible for the little guy who was too afraid to want to come to school. The other camp will be thinking "Come on. Terrified of a kid stealing your hat or pulling on your hood? That's just ridiculous!" Fortunately, we were able to see both sides of the issue. As his parents, there were bigger issues at work than the obvious.
The first issue is one that we continue to have to address on a fairly regular basis. Our son is very tall for his age. In addition, at different stages in his unique developmental cycle, he stutters and drools. Although he has average intelligence, his gross motor and fine motor delays combined with his other developmental quirks could lead someone to perceive him as "slow" or mentally deficient. These factors, taken all together, could be very intimidating to a little kindergartner who may not have much experience with other children with special needs.
Besides his unique physical issues that could intimidate a younger student, you have to factor in our sons "social issues". He just doesn't grasp the importance of boundaries. If he likes you, he thinks nothing of invading your personal space; kissing you; touching you; or otherwise potentially making a person uncomfortable. In addition, if the person in question were to give off obvious nonverbal signs of discomfort with our son's actions, he wouldn't understand them. Pulling back or away has no meaning for him. Facial displays of disgust or concern have little impact on him. He just doesn't grasp their meaning. If the younger child had not openly expressed concern for our son's behavior, he would not have comprehended that the child was upset.
Fortunately, when our oldest son was much younger, he was more sensitive by nature than our youngest son. Our oldest was the child who wore his heart on his sleeve. His feelings were easily hurt by other kids when they were rude or disrespectful. We had a time period when he didn't want to go to school because of the actions of one or two other kids. Fortunately, he learned to grow a tougher skin, so to speak. He has learned to take other people in stride without taking it to heart. That experience with our oldest gave us a greater insight and empathy for what the other parents may have been going through with their own child.
In this particular case, our youngest son's Title I teacher (an angel) once again took the lead in dealing with the problem. She took him down to the classroom of the other student and addressed the issue with the two of them. When our son realized that the other child was very upset with his behavior, he was devastated. He apologized and seemed to take it very seriously. His teacher filled me in on what had happened by email.
In the meantime, the school had a half day while I had a full day of work. I forewarned my husband that there had been an issue at school that I would address when I got home. I asked him to confiscate our son's Kindle until I had a chance to talk to him. He attempted to talk to my husband about the issue but kept telling him "I can't talk to you. You won't understand. I want to wait and tell Momma." As a result, my husband left this issue go until I had the opportunity to get home and talk with him.
When I arrived home, our son came stomping up the basement steps so I asked him to come see me. He initially said he didn't want to but did anyway. I started the conversation by pulling him onto my lap and telling him that I loved him. I would always love him, no matter what. I then asked him if he had anything to tell me. Well, the flood gates opened! Out it all came. We discussed that he needed to keep his hands to himself and not touch other kids at school (this is NOT a new conversation!). In addition, we discussed the fact, that he was a very big boy and that could be scary to a little kid who was much smaller. We also discussed the fact the other boy had been so scared of him that he didn't want to go to school. He took it all very seriously. He came up with the idea of writing an apology card to the other student. Because he had lost recess for the week at school, we mirrored the consequences by taking away his Kindle for the same time period. Everyone involved, the teaching staff, his support staff, and ourselves agreed that we probably wouldn't have to address this particular behavior in the future because he had concretely been able to see the impact of his behavior. It would have a long term impact on him.
I offer this small scenario as an example of how children and their parents encounter very similar circumstances on a fairly regular basis. This particular scenario isn't unique to our son and his issues. What is unique is the fact that we will have to have a similar conversation with our son regarding his boundaries again in the near future. Probably many times in the future. Yet, it is his lack of boundaries that endears him to so many who come in contact with him. As one woman told me, "He is so open. His heart is blatantly loving and open to loving others." Somehow we have to help him learn to balance this love for others with a recognition that not everyone want him to be in their space and not everyone is open to wanting that level of love and affection. It's a hard balance for adults to maintain, let alone an eight year old who naturally lack such awareness.
We will continue to support our little man as he learns to navigate this complicated world we are living in. I pray he always maintains that loving empathetic heart for others. I also pray that he develops an awareness of the social cues that allow him to successfully navigate the world with his peers. We will be there on the journey to help him along the way.
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