Developmental Stages

"It's not fair!"
"You never listen to me!"
"You never believe me!"
"I can do it!"

These have become commonly heard refrains in our home over the last month or so.  My youngest son is smack dab in the middle of the stage of development in which he is seeking to assert his independence from us.  During this stage, children often see themselves as capable of doing more than the parents feel they are capable of doing.  While the goal of the parent is the safety of the child, the goal of the child is self-sufficiency.  The result of these discrepancies can be a power struggle.  Add in developmental issues that affect the motor skills of that child and you have the recipe for conflict. 

Our son has been found to have normal cognitive abilities.  He's just as smart as his same age peers.  Unfortunately, his delays appear to be mostly expressive in nature, in essence, keeping an average kid trapped inside a body that won't let him show that he's just like everyone else.  Lately, this has begun to be a source of serious frustration for him.  Not only does he want to do what other kids his age are doing, he wants to be able to do anything that his twelve year-old brother is doing.  Logically, this isn't possible.  Try rationalizing that to a frustrated seven year-old. 

There have been many situations over the last month or so that have come about because of this desire to be more independent.  His intention or motivation in each instance was a sincere wish to be helpful or independent.  For example, the other day I came in from weeding the garden to find a HUGE mess.  Because I know he is into everything right now, I purposely set a timer and only stayed out for short periods of time so that I could come in and check on him.  Apparently, that didn't work.  Our son wanted to help me by "making drinks for everyone."  Very sweet intentions.  Unfortunately, the timing was very poor.  I had come in to get his brother a sandwich because he was experiencing a low blood sugar episode.  (He's hypoglycemic.)  He needed protein and in a short amount of time.  What I walked into was not going to help me achieve that goal in a timely manner.  My youngest had attempted to make me a cup of coffee.  He had water spread over two different rooms, on the floor, on counters, everywhere.  For some reason, he had mixed dry creamer and Splenda in a bowl which I didn't realize until later in the day when I went to make a glass of ice tea.  Used tea bags sat in the sink.  There were also coffee grounds in every conceivable place you could think of.  The coffee pot was full of grounds both inside and out.  The coffee urn was filled half full of a questionable substance.  I'm still not sure what it was.  My dish towel was in the garbage.  The vacuum was sitting in the middle of the floor.  Bless his heart he just wanted to get me a drink because I was out in the sun and must be thirsty. 

I am proud to report that I stayed calm and handled it really well.  After I got his brother a quick sandwich, we discussed that he needed to ask for help when getting something to drink.  This didn't go over well.  He went into "Rainman" mode because he wanted to do it himself and here I was asking him to ask for help.  Secondly, he knew he wasn't successful and couldn't do it himself but admitting that to himself would mean he wasn't a big kid.  The situation was just too frustrating for him to process so he melted down.  He kept repeating the same phrases over and over.  This is his way of dealing with frustration when a situation doesn't fit with his view of how it should be going.  He will repetitively say the same phrase or group of phrases again and again.  I eventually got him to calm down enough that he would stay in his room and play until I got the kitchen and dining room cleaned and mopped.  When he came downstairs later, he went right back into the repetitive phrases because in his mind the issue had not been resolved. 

At his yearly neurological appointment this week, we discussed these type of behaviors with his doctor.  His response was encouraging yet frustrating.  The behaviors we are seeing only occur at home.  Both school and the neurologist say this is a good sign.  Excuse me!  Good?  Because he is able to isolate the behavior to home, shows he has an understanding of what behaviors are appropriate and not appropriate for being out in public.  They said it is very normal for a child to hold in his frustration all day through school and public situations, then vent that frustration when he is home in a safe environment surrounded by people he trusts to still love him when the moment is over.  In other words, we are his soft place to fall. 

Both school and the doctors see his behavior as typical for the stage he is in.  We find them particularly frustrating because we are receiving the brunt of them.  They are also frustrating because they are stage appropriate but not age appropriate.   Because he is in the ninety-seventh percentile for size, he appears older than he is.  Combine that large size with his typical year or more delay and to us, you have a child who appears to be quite age inappropriate in behavior.  Fortunately, his good manners and great social skills compensate for this in a public setting therefore most people who meet him casually rarely pick up on his differences, aside from his speech issues. 

Intellectually, I get that it is great that he is in this stage of development.  Children need to learn to assert their independence.  Our goal is to raise self-sufficient individuals who can contribute productively to society.  Emotionally, it is exhausting that he is in this stage of development.  It sometimes feels like we are getting it all wrong.  Then we see him at a school function or playing with friends and we know we are getting the important things right.  We just need to be patient and give him time, his time, to put all the pieces together. 

Thank you Lord for growth and movement in a forward direction.  I pray for the patience and stamina to see him to where he needs to go.  The journey certainly won't be boring.