Having a child with special needs, regardless of the severity or diagnosis, has an impact on the entire family. It affects the individual, the parents, siblings, and extended family. One of the individuals directly impacted by our youngest son's developmental and health issues is our oldest son. For the first five years of his life, he was an only child; the only grandchild on my side of the family; the only male grandchild and only local grandchild on my husband's side of the family. He was showered with attention and affection by family, fire company members, and our church family. All of that changed with the birth of our youngest child.
I try to image what it has to be like to go from being the center of all that attention to being the older brother of a child with special needs. Many children have trouble adjusting to a new baby. It is common for older siblings to experience a regression in behavior and learned skills after the birth of a new brother or sister. Babies take away time, attention, and energy that were once devoted solely to the older sibling. The required adjustments can be even more significant when the new baby has health and developmental issues. In our case, we now had three therapists coming into the home weekly; specialist appointments; hours of breathing treatments and hours of cuddling a sick baby. I have always worried that our oldest resented those lost hours that were now devoted to his brother. In a recent conversation, I discovered that my oldest son has adapted to our life quite well.
While talking with my oldest son one evening, we started discussing what it was like to be the older brother. He told me that most people don't realize his brother has problems when they first meet him but if they spend time with him, everyone seems to notice. "It's most obvious when he has to do something, especially write or use his hands." I asked him if it was embarrassing having people realize his brother has problems doing things. His response was to say "No. Most people seem to like him anyway so it's not a problem." When I asked him what the hardest part of the having him for a brother was, he told me the tantrums in public were really embarrassing. "People see him and think he's too old to being throwing fits like that. That's embarrassing." Finally, I asked him if it was hard sharing us with his brother or if he felt his brother got too much of our time and attention. There was a definite pause before he replied and I thought "Uh. Oh." Instead, he response made me really, really proud of him. After pausing to think about it, my eleven year-old's reply was "No. If he didn't have the problems he has, it might bother me. But he needs the time and attention you give him. If you didn't give him that time and attention, he might not be as good as he is." He went on to explain that he sometimes wished his brother could do things like other kids his age, like play soccer or keep up with him in the woods. It would be fun to have him do those things with him. Instead, he usually tries to play things that he knows his brother can do successfully.
Being the older brother means being asked to help out. That can be frustrating. Some days he doesn't feel like helping get his brother breakfast, or helping him clean up the basement, or any of the other daily routine items that we may ask him to do. We expect him to help get his brother on and off the bus each day. Sometimes, when it's a "bad day", he responds better to his brother than to us. On those days, he has learned to help coach his brother along with whatever needs to be done. There are mornings I don't know if I could get his brother off to school without his help. Learning responsibility at a young age hasn't seemed to hurt him. He was the first student of the month for his grade this year. His grades are consistently top of his class. Can it still be annoying to have to help out with a brother like his? Sure. Is it something he resents? According to him, no.
They love one another. Matter of fact, my youngest definitely hero worships his older brother. But they are also normal brothers who argue and pick at one another. When they are bored and stir crazy, they could drive a person insane with their fighting. Does my oldest get jealous? He admits that he does at times. "Everyone loves him. It's hard sometimes."
We have made an effort over the years to make time for our oldest that doesn't involve his brother. He and my husband go hunting together. At eleven, he has already shot a buck, a doe, a groundhog, a turkey, and numerous squirrels. If my youngest, hero worships his older brother, my oldest son definitely hero worships his father. Recently, he has been allowed to start attending training and work sessions at the fire hall with his Dad. He can't wait to become a junior fire fighter in three years. My oldest and I share a love of reading and recently finished The Hunger Games trilogy. We have set a date to go see the movie when it comes out this spring. This is something we have done since he was little. We pick a movie and make a date of it, just the two of us. It seems to mean a lot to him. Our solo time with him seems to smooth out the frustration of having to share time with his brother and his issues.
I always hoped that my boys would have a close relationship growing up and a closer one as adults. There are days they seem to be the best of friends and days they seem to despise one another. I do know that having a brother like his, has changed my oldest son in immeasurable ways. We are doing our best to ensure that those ways are mostly positive. Time and God's grace will see if we succeed. So far, he is a pretty amazing kid and I'm very grateful for the chance to be his Mom.
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