Having a child with special needs, regardless of the severity or diagnosis, has an impact on the entire family. It affects the individual, the parents, siblings, and extended family. One of the individuals directly impacted by our youngest son's developmental and health issues is our oldest son. For the first five years of his life, he was an only child; the only grandchild on my side of the family; the only male grandchild and only local grandchild on my husband's side of the family. He was showered with attention and affection by family, fire company members, and our church family. All of that changed with the birth of our youngest child.
I try to image what it has to be like to go from being the center of all that attention to being the older brother of a child with special needs. Many children have trouble adjusting to a new baby. It is common for older siblings to experience a regression in behavior and learned skills after the birth of a new brother or sister. Babies take away time, attention, and energy that were once devoted solely to the older sibling. The required adjustments can be even more significant when the new baby has health and developmental issues. In our case, we now had three therapists coming into the home weekly; specialist appointments; hours of breathing treatments and hours of cuddling a sick baby. I have always worried that our oldest resented those lost hours that were now devoted to his brother. In a recent conversation, I discovered that my oldest son has adapted to our life quite well.
While talking with my oldest son one evening, we started discussing what it was like to be the older brother. He told me that most people don't realize his brother has problems when they first meet him but if they spend time with him, everyone seems to notice. "It's most obvious when he has to do something, especially write or use his hands." I asked him if it was embarrassing having people realize his brother has problems doing things. His response was to say "No. Most people seem to like him anyway so it's not a problem." When I asked him what the hardest part of the having him for a brother was, he told me the tantrums in public were really embarrassing. "People see him and think he's too old to being throwing fits like that. That's embarrassing." Finally, I asked him if it was hard sharing us with his brother or if he felt his brother got too much of our time and attention. There was a definite pause before he replied and I thought "Uh. Oh." Instead, he response made me really, really proud of him. After pausing to think about it, my eleven year-old's reply was "No. If he didn't have the problems he has, it might bother me. But he needs the time and attention you give him. If you didn't give him that time and attention, he might not be as good as he is." He went on to explain that he sometimes wished his brother could do things like other kids his age, like play soccer or keep up with him in the woods. It would be fun to have him do those things with him. Instead, he usually tries to play things that he knows his brother can do successfully.
Being the older brother means being asked to help out. That can be frustrating. Some days he doesn't feel like helping get his brother breakfast, or helping him clean up the basement, or any of the other daily routine items that we may ask him to do. We expect him to help get his brother on and off the bus each day. Sometimes, when it's a "bad day", he responds better to his brother than to us. On those days, he has learned to help coach his brother along with whatever needs to be done. There are mornings I don't know if I could get his brother off to school without his help. Learning responsibility at a young age hasn't seemed to hurt him. He was the first student of the month for his grade this year. His grades are consistently top of his class. Can it still be annoying to have to help out with a brother like his? Sure. Is it something he resents? According to him, no.
They love one another. Matter of fact, my youngest definitely hero worships his older brother. But they are also normal brothers who argue and pick at one another. When they are bored and stir crazy, they could drive a person insane with their fighting. Does my oldest get jealous? He admits that he does at times. "Everyone loves him. It's hard sometimes."
We have made an effort over the years to make time for our oldest that doesn't involve his brother. He and my husband go hunting together. At eleven, he has already shot a buck, a doe, a groundhog, a turkey, and numerous squirrels. If my youngest, hero worships his older brother, my oldest son definitely hero worships his father. Recently, he has been allowed to start attending training and work sessions at the fire hall with his Dad. He can't wait to become a junior fire fighter in three years. My oldest and I share a love of reading and recently finished The Hunger Games trilogy. We have set a date to go see the movie when it comes out this spring. This is something we have done since he was little. We pick a movie and make a date of it, just the two of us. It seems to mean a lot to him. Our solo time with him seems to smooth out the frustration of having to share time with his brother and his issues.
I always hoped that my boys would have a close relationship growing up and a closer one as adults. There are days they seem to be the best of friends and days they seem to despise one another. I do know that having a brother like his, has changed my oldest son in immeasurable ways. We are doing our best to ensure that those ways are mostly positive. Time and God's grace will see if we succeed. So far, he is a pretty amazing kid and I'm very grateful for the chance to be his Mom.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Loss of a dream through God's grace
I can't believe he's six. It seems to have been just the blink of an eye. In some ways, it has also been the longest, hardest, most trying six years of my life. That's how life with my youngest child is, an oxymoron. Great joy. Overwhelming frustration. Deep love. Bitter disappointment. Glimpses of God's plan and grace.
After our youngest child was born, it soon became apparent that life with him was not going to proceed as I had envisioned it. While he was the sweetest natured baby I ever could have asked for, he was sick. A lot. As he grew and developed, that quiet, gentle disposition continued, but it became apparent that he wasn't reaching appropriate milestones. Through those early years of tests and therapy and medical treatment, I held onto the hope that once we did this, or once we did that, he would be "normal". It wasn't until he was almost four that I realized that "normal" wasn't going to happen. At least not in the way that I had imagined. I had a picture in my mind of how I thought his life should be. In a way, it was like my dreams for him had to die in order for me to see and accept him for who and how he was. I had to give up my expectations and learn to love him for who he was. Let me tell you who my son is at the age of six.
He is a teaser. He loves for someone to tease and harass him in a loving way because he loves to dish it right back. My grandmother is a woman with sharp wits and a sharper tongue. I love to watch the two of them together. The joy they both get out of harassing each other is priceless. He and his father are the same way. My oldest son and I just sit back and watch the two of them go through a verbal dance of sorts as they tease one another.
There is nothing my son likes more than a good laugh. When he laughs, it comes from his toes in a full open mouthed belly laugh. It's the kind of laugh that babies have but often seem to lose as they grow. If he is laughing, I guarantee those around him are too. It's contagious. His laughter is never at someone else's expense. It is from a place of pure joy and happiness.
He is bull headed and strong willed. I often call him "Rain Man" because once he gets an idea in his head, he doesn't let it go. No amount of pleading, threatening, reasoning, or bullying will get him to change his mind. It only delays the inevitable. This is an annoying characteristic in a child but may serve him well as an adult. He will not be swayed from his convictions.
Our son finds joy in the simplest of things. For his birthday this year, all he asked was to "go to Hooplas with my family" and for a "special cake". On the day of his birthday, we decided we were going to play games and eat at Hooplas as he had requested. Because of that, we chose to wait to give him his presents until the day of his party with the rest of the family. Not once, did he question where his presents were or if he was even getting presents. He was totally satisfied with the idea of going out for the evening with his family.
He is the hyper, distracted, impulsive boy with gross motor, fine motor, and speech delays. During the lag time stage of his developmental cycle, he stutters and chews on everything he gets his hands on, including his clothing. He daydreams and seems to be somewhere else when you want him to be focused on the task at hand. Our son is the kid in class who seems to take forever to master a skill and you wonder if he's ever going to get it. He's the guy that the teacher loves but he drives her absolutely crazy at times. He leaves her wondering, "What am I going to do with this kid?" Join the club. We often wonder the same thing.
Finally, he is a people person. He absolutely loves people and people love him. There are almost too many examples of this to share. On the afternoon of his birthday, as he got on the bus, the middle school and high school kids starting singing Happy Birthday to him. He's only in kindergarten but the older kids take turns entertaining him, in part, because he is so much fun to be around. I often say that he takes a party wherever he goes. When we went to my oldest son's basketball game this weekend, it seemed like every other person going into or coming out of the gymnasium said hi to my youngest son. He seemed to know everyone. Once inside the gym and seated to watch the game, a high school girl turned around and said hi to my son. Apparently, it was "last week's girlfriend" from the bus. Before I knew it, he had slid down the bleachers and was cuddled up next to this girl drawing on her I-Pad with her. They entertained each other for the whole game.
Our son will probably never become what I had envisioned for him. I'm so glad, because although it hurt to lose that dream, the reality of who he is, and who he is becoming is so much greater than I could have imagined. And maybe, just maybe, through him, I and those who are fortunate enough to have him in their lives may get to become more than we imagined for ourselves.
After our youngest child was born, it soon became apparent that life with him was not going to proceed as I had envisioned it. While he was the sweetest natured baby I ever could have asked for, he was sick. A lot. As he grew and developed, that quiet, gentle disposition continued, but it became apparent that he wasn't reaching appropriate milestones. Through those early years of tests and therapy and medical treatment, I held onto the hope that once we did this, or once we did that, he would be "normal". It wasn't until he was almost four that I realized that "normal" wasn't going to happen. At least not in the way that I had imagined. I had a picture in my mind of how I thought his life should be. In a way, it was like my dreams for him had to die in order for me to see and accept him for who and how he was. I had to give up my expectations and learn to love him for who he was. Let me tell you who my son is at the age of six.
He is a teaser. He loves for someone to tease and harass him in a loving way because he loves to dish it right back. My grandmother is a woman with sharp wits and a sharper tongue. I love to watch the two of them together. The joy they both get out of harassing each other is priceless. He and his father are the same way. My oldest son and I just sit back and watch the two of them go through a verbal dance of sorts as they tease one another.
There is nothing my son likes more than a good laugh. When he laughs, it comes from his toes in a full open mouthed belly laugh. It's the kind of laugh that babies have but often seem to lose as they grow. If he is laughing, I guarantee those around him are too. It's contagious. His laughter is never at someone else's expense. It is from a place of pure joy and happiness.
He is bull headed and strong willed. I often call him "Rain Man" because once he gets an idea in his head, he doesn't let it go. No amount of pleading, threatening, reasoning, or bullying will get him to change his mind. It only delays the inevitable. This is an annoying characteristic in a child but may serve him well as an adult. He will not be swayed from his convictions.
Our son finds joy in the simplest of things. For his birthday this year, all he asked was to "go to Hooplas with my family" and for a "special cake". On the day of his birthday, we decided we were going to play games and eat at Hooplas as he had requested. Because of that, we chose to wait to give him his presents until the day of his party with the rest of the family. Not once, did he question where his presents were or if he was even getting presents. He was totally satisfied with the idea of going out for the evening with his family.
He is the hyper, distracted, impulsive boy with gross motor, fine motor, and speech delays. During the lag time stage of his developmental cycle, he stutters and chews on everything he gets his hands on, including his clothing. He daydreams and seems to be somewhere else when you want him to be focused on the task at hand. Our son is the kid in class who seems to take forever to master a skill and you wonder if he's ever going to get it. He's the guy that the teacher loves but he drives her absolutely crazy at times. He leaves her wondering, "What am I going to do with this kid?" Join the club. We often wonder the same thing.
Finally, he is a people person. He absolutely loves people and people love him. There are almost too many examples of this to share. On the afternoon of his birthday, as he got on the bus, the middle school and high school kids starting singing Happy Birthday to him. He's only in kindergarten but the older kids take turns entertaining him, in part, because he is so much fun to be around. I often say that he takes a party wherever he goes. When we went to my oldest son's basketball game this weekend, it seemed like every other person going into or coming out of the gymnasium said hi to my youngest son. He seemed to know everyone. Once inside the gym and seated to watch the game, a high school girl turned around and said hi to my son. Apparently, it was "last week's girlfriend" from the bus. Before I knew it, he had slid down the bleachers and was cuddled up next to this girl drawing on her I-Pad with her. They entertained each other for the whole game.
Our son will probably never become what I had envisioned for him. I'm so glad, because although it hurt to lose that dream, the reality of who he is, and who he is becoming is so much greater than I could have imagined. And maybe, just maybe, through him, I and those who are fortunate enough to have him in their lives may get to become more than we imagined for ourselves.
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