Guilt

I've known all my life that I wanted to be a good teacher and a great mom.  Never any question.  I'm one of those annoying people with a five year plan and a vision of where my life should be going.  Ironically, when one of your lifetime goals is to become a "great mom", there is a degree of self-inflicted pressure.  In addition, anyone who has children can probably tell you that children are great at making you feel guilty and unsure.  It is their super power. 

I remember weeks when my youngest was in the middle of a particularly bad asthma flair.  Night after night, I would sleep in the recliner with him.  By sleeping in the recliner, I could keep him in a more upright position and when he went into bronchospasm, I already had the equipment set up and could give him his next treatment within minutes.  Every three hours we would wake; do a breathing treatment; then dose off again.  The next morning I would drive to work on three or four hours sleep and teach court committed females all day.  Then I would come home and start the whole process all over again. 

In spite of this degree of commitment to my child, I would feel guilty because of the little things that I couldn't do.  I remember feeling terribly guilty because when my oldest was in day care, I would make chocolate covered Nutter Butter cookies that I hand dipped and decorated to look like groundhogs for Ground hog's Day.  When my youngest was in day care, I never seemed to get it done.  I always felt like I was letting him down.

Reality check:  When I asked my oldest if he remembered me making those cookies for Ground hog's Day, he stated "Not really."  So did I really let my youngest down by failing to make those cute little cookies because I had done it for his brother?  Heck no!

Our oldest son has always taken part in any sport or activity that he expressed an interest in joining.  In the past, he has taken gymnastics and horseback riding lessons.  He currently plays private league soccer and percussion in the band. We have never missed a game.  His father takes him out hunting.  At the age of ten, he has already killed his own turkey, deer, ground hog, and several squirrels.  All this in spite of the fact that he had a brother with developmental delays that required three therapists come to our home for weekly therapy sessions in occupational therapy, physical therapy, and speech therapy.  Yet, I feel guilty because I sometimes feel like too much of my energy goes into helping his brother stay healthy and meeting developmental goals.  At times, I feel like my oldest doesn't always get the attention that he wants or deserves.

Reality check:  My oldest is loved and sometimes even slightly over indulged.  He is successful in school and in social situations.  He is polite and usually well behaved.  Unlike many of his best friends, he may not have all the latest gadgets and gizmos but he has our time and attention.  We read with him; attend his school and sporting events; and listen to his never ending chatter.  Boy is he a talker! 

It's funny.  Whether your child has special needs or ordinary needs, being a parent means finding the balance in everything.  Having my youngest child has taught me to take life a little slower.  Enjoy the journey.  There is enough guilt and blame to go around when it comes to parenting but if love and genuine concern for your child are at the center of everything that you do, then you are going to be okay.  Maybe not "great" but good may have to be good enough.

Thank you God for the lessons that my boys continue to teach me.  Help me recognize when guilt is getting in the way of making the best decisions as a wife and as a parent.  Please continue to guide me on this journey.