My worries with my oldest son were so different, and in hindsight, so trivial in comparison to my worries with my youngest son. My oldest was always smart and athletic and kind spirited. Things came easily to him. He made friends easily. He was very active and involved in sports until he reached an age when the sports became more aggressive than his nature. He loved hanging out with his buddies and being active but didn't care for the aggression and drive required to continue at his age level. I never worried about him getting involved in things he shouldn't because he chose friends wisely and tended to take kids under his wing who were in need of kindness. We talked and shared and spent time together so I knew his thoughts, his friends, and his decisions. He's a hard worker, civic minded volunteer, and reliable member of his community. Raising him to eighteen has been pretty simple. A couple heartaches and bumps along the way but all minimal and navigable. Our experiences with him have been very "typical".
Raising his brother has been one continuous worry. The things I worry about for him I rarely worried about for my oldest son. For example, birthday parties. Whether for him or for classmates, they leave me with a headache and half a sick stomach. There is nothing my youngest loves more than a party. Life is a gigantic source of celebration for him. Any opportunity to dance, laugh, and cheer is a good time for him.
Every year, he plans a series of birthday events for himself. He insists on a party with friends. He also chooses a special cake that he and I design and make together. Finally, he plans a family party for his family and neighbors. Without these three components, he is absolutely heartbroken. He loves a party!
When planning the friend party, we struggle to identify a handful of friends to invite. He considers everyone a friend. He loves everyone. Unfortunately, it's hard to identify kids that genuinely feel the same about him. As a result, he rarely has more than one or two friends come to his "events". He builds up the events in his head, creating this amazing time, with all these people. When the time comes and only one or two arrive, he still has an amazing time. He loves a party, even if it's with one or two. But my heart aches for him. Don't these kids get that behind the awkward, goofy, clumsy kid is the best friend they will ever have. He is loyal and loving to a fault. He forgives and loves unconditionally. Look past the exterior. He is the essence of love.
Conversely, it is equally stressful for him to be invited to birthday parties. I can count on one hand how many birthday parties he has been invited to for classmates. Each time, it is stressful to think through the logistics. Many of the parties involved physical activities like swimming, skating, etc. With his lack of safety awareness and gross motor coordination issues, that can be challenging. Factor in his large size and it makes it even more obvious how uncoordinated he is. Factor in his lack of social awareness and it gives me serious concern but we've always tried to make it work. As he gets older, we worry about the motivation for inviting him. Was he invited because they really want him there? Was he invited because every child was invited, even the ones the child didn't want invited. Or was he invited to be the butt of some mean kid's joke?
Today, we attended a roller skating party for a classmate. Yeah. A roller skating party. Dear Lord. You have NO idea how many prayers I said in anticipation of this party. In the end, it was as terribly bad and as amazingly good as I could have imagined. We asked him how he wanted to play this. We planned on either staying or leaving based on how things went and what he wanted us to do. At almost thirteen, we have pretty honest conversations about these things. He wanted us to come in and help him get his skates. So we went in; got the skates; laced him up and tied in (because he still has issues with proper shoe tying); and stood him up. He promptly fell really hard twice before taking a single step. It took both of us to keep him upright. He's almost six foot tall now. That's a lot of kid to keep upright on wheels.
The boy who invited him came over to check on him and encouraged him to go to the "practice area" until he felt more comfortable on his wheels. He even helped my husband get our son over the that area. It was incredibly kind and helped soothe some of my concerns. The boy seemed to genuinely like our son. He seemed like a very sweet boy. Thank you Lord.
After practicing, watching (away from the group), and making his way back over to us, he decided to take the skates off and take a break for a little bit. We encouraged our son to go join the group over in the birthday area. He found the birthday mom and she got him some pizza. It didn't take long for teenage boys to come in search of food. Our son came over and told us we could leave. He felt comfortable. We told him we were headed for groceries five minutes away and he could call if he needed us. I felt very anxious leaving but knew it was the right thing to do. Please Lord let everyone be kind to him. Please Lord don't let him hurt himself too badly. I feared broken bones. I feared a concussion.
When we came back, we found a very happy boy. He had made it out to the main skating floor and even did the limbo. As my husband helped our son get out of his skates, I had a chance to talk to a family member. She said her nephew told his mom that he wanted to invite our son because our son doesn't get invited to many parties and people are mean to him but he's his friend and he doesn't care what other people think. When our son went to say goodbye, the young man was so kind about saying goodbye and thanks for coming. Thank you Lord for kindness!
This boy's kindness may have been a small thing for him but it was HUGE for our son. He felt included. He felt "normal". This boy plays football and sports and is well liked at school. Including our son meant everything to him. It's all he talked about for weeks leading up to the party. It's all he talked about all day today. We have a lot of bruises and a stoved shoulder but that is minor in comparison to the happiness of the day. The bruises will heal. Ibuprofen and Tylenol will help the shoulder. A happy heart is worth it all.
This week our youngest turns thirteen. His friend party is coming up and I know of one child who is coming. That's okay. The kiddo coming is a lifelong, true friend. She, his Dad, and I will make it a great time. We will laugh and enjoy ourselves. The next night, we will celebrate his brother's performance at District Chorus (because of course, the first time he auditions, he gets accepted). Saturday, we will celebrate his birthday surrounded by our close circle of neighbors and family who "get him" and love him and support him through everything that he does.
Continue to stretch and grow. We love you and support you every step of the way. Along the way, may the Lord continue to put people in your path who will help you find love and support and growth. And may you continue to help them stretch and grow as well.
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