Dear Parent of "Normal" Children,
Tonight's blog post is written specifically to you. For two decades, I have worked to educate and advocate for children that most people see as disposable. The kids that have been passed from family to family through the foster care system. The kids who have been suspended and expelled from school after school. The kids that are economically disadvantaged. Those are my kids. But tonight, I write to you, not as a teacher or an advocate. Instead, I write to you as a mother. A mother that needs you.
Many children who are only mildly special like my son look like everyone else. They "look normal". You can't see the neurological impairment; the synapses that don't fire as required; the lack of development in the areas of the brain that allow people to read other people's body language; or the poor neural connections that affect motor planning and sensory processing. Those deficiencies aren't apparent when looking at children with mild special needs. It is their behaviors that give away their differences. They often act "weird" or "different" or seem "gross". They chew their clothes, fingers, and pencils. They eat non-food items. They may drool or stutter. They may have repetitive or obsessive behaviors that annoy or scare their peers. They stand too close and talk too loud. They fidget and squirm. They may not understand the facial expressions and tone of voice of their peers. They may interrupt or intrude or disrupt. These behaviors make them stand out as different and therefore not acceptable to their pre-teen counter-parts. This makes them targets for ridicule and derision. They are excluded and mocked. Because their behaviors are often annoying or disruptive or frustrating, that may also make them the target for adults who just want them to fit in and act normal. After all, they look normal. They need to act normal. Right?
So... what do we do? The parents of the kids who are only mildly special. What do we do? What can we do?
We advocate for our children. Teach others what our child's normal looks like. We educate parents and professionals like you about what you can do to help. We offer suggestions. Speak up when we have questions or need help or need clarification. Be THAT parent when we need to be. It's not always comfortable to step up, speak out, and question but if we don't, who will? We are our child's voice. To be effective, we should always start from a place of love. Always try to start from a place of educating others, teaching others about our child. When you feel as if your child is hurting or lacking what is needed to be successful, that takes real strength. Sometimes we don't feel as if we have that strength. We are tired. A lot.
We offer our children what they lack. If they lack executive functioning skills, we offer them methods to organize themselves and their lives. We offer structure and consistency. We offer boundaries and routines. We provide unconditional love and support, even when it's not easy. If they lack social skills, we teach and model those skills and provide opportunities to practice them with others in a loving supportive environment. We take them out of their comfort zone and introduce them to those outside their circle. That's where it gets challenging. Really challenging. It's not a nice place out there for kids like ours.
So, what can't we do for our children? Well, unfortunately, there are a lot of things we can't do for them.
We can't help them make friends. We can introduce them to situations and experiences that provide opportunities to make friends. But we can't make friends for them.
We can't keep them safe when they aren't in our care. We can practice and rehearse and review safe behavior. But it will be up to them and their caretakers to remember that they lack coordination skills and basic safety awareness and take the steps needed to compensate and keep them safe.
We can't protect them from ridicule and emotional hurt. Unfortunately, learning how to navigate those ugly experiences in life is a normal part of growing up. All children face it at some point in their lives. The amount of ridicule and emotional hurt that they face compared to their "normal peers is not, well, normal. They face greater criticism, greater harassment, greater negativity on a daily basis than the average young person.
When my child, my beautiful, loving, kind spirited child, who wears his heart on his sleeve and loves EVERYONE, comes home and tells me that people tell him he's gross and disgusting and stupid...... I can't help him. I can't make that better. I can't problem solve that. I can't fix that. I can't plan or strategize or research that. I can't.
That's where I need your help. You. The parent of a typical, average, "normal" child. We need YOUR help. If you are reading this and your child is the light of your life, your pride and joy, your world, then I need you. I need your help because my son is those things to me too.
Teach your children to be kind. Teach your children to be patient and empathetic and understanding. Teach them that different isn't "gross". Teach him that the child who is too loud, too close, too different is someone to love too. That child could be the best friend your child could ever make. If you teach your child to befriend a child like mine, he will have found pure gold. Someone who will have his back forever. Someone who will accept him exactly as he is. Someone who will do anything and everything to make him feel good about himself. Can you say the same about your child? Can your child be that for someone else? Can he make someone feel like they are special, not because they are "special" but because they are an amazing person and they are proud to call them friend? Can you say that about your child?
How do you teach your child to be that kind of person? Model it. Be kind to others. Don't talk about other people and gossip about them. Don't make fun of other people and criticize their short comings. Let them see you building others up. Let them see you befriending those in need. Be the person you want them to be. Talk about being a friend to those who need a friend. Not once or twice but often. Get uncomfortable. Reach out to someone that is different. Try it. You just might find you feel better about yourself and the world you're living in. By helping me, you just may be helping yourself... and your child.
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