Last weekend, we went to a family reunion of distant relatives that we only see once a year. As usual, our youngest son made instant friends with someone new. It's one of his super powers. He loves everyone and has no qualms about walking up to a stranger and introducing himself and making them his friend. It is a trait I greatly admire because I am very shy and hate meeting new people. I wish I had that self assurance in the face of new circumstances.
Because of my son's obsessive need to chew on his clothing and other objects and his tendency to drool, we have had him wearing wrist bands. The bands can be used to discretely wipe his chin and mouth when he starts to drool. It is an ongoing issue that we have found no solution to. Instead, we have attempted to find ways to manage it. So far, the wrist bands have been successful. My biggest concern regarding their use is what other people will think or say. I don't want to make him a bigger target for ridicule.
At several recent events, including last week's family reunion, our son amazed me with his openness and lack of self consciousness. He very matter of factly explained to kids he was talking to that he wears his wristbands to help him keep his face dry when he drools. He then demonstrated how he wipes his chin with them. The first time he explained to a stranger what they were for, I pulled him aside and told him he didn't need to explain to everyone why he wore them. He just smiled and explained that he wanted them to understand.
This week we had my niece and nephew come stay with us from out of town. Coincidentally, my oldest son was on vacation with a friend and her family. That left me alone all week with my youngest, a five year old and a one year old. In an earlier conversation with my youngest son, I had stressed how much I needed him to be the big brother while his cousins were visiting. I was going to need his help. That meant no meltdowns, no obsessive tantrums. He was going to have to keep it together. Wow, did he try. I could physically see the effort he put into being the big kid.
On Monday, after a busy morning, he became very over-stimulated in the backseat of the car, wedged in between the two car seats, listening to all the noise the little ones were making as they sang and fussed. In the rear view mirror, I could see him start to get worked up. Usually, this situation would have resulted in a meltdown. Instead, he simply buried his head in his hands and silently started to cry. I was heartbroken but also very proud. He was holding it together because I had asked him to be the big kid. When I explained to my niece why he was crying, he nodded his head and simply said "yes".
As the week went on, the kids played very well together. They compromised. They problem solved. Until today. Today there were tears. Today our son finally broke. Our oldest son was back home. My husband had the day off. Our youngest was extremely tired, and he was no longer the big kid in the house. An argument over who would sit in a particular seat caused a meltdown. He shut himself in the closet. It was one of those meltdowns. To his credit, he was able to pull it back together to finish the visit successfully. It ended on a very positive note. He amazes me with his strength. He blows me away with his resiliency.
The biggest lesson he taught me this week was that I still have a long way to go in coming to terms with who he his and who he can be. During his meltdown, I had a VERY strong emotional reaction. It made me SO angry. I couldn't believe how angry I felt inside. When things had settled and I had a moment to analyze my emotional reaction, I was very surprised and even disappointed with myself.
I had spent the week with my niece and nephew who are so bright and fun and "normal". It is tiring to take care of children that age but there is no real effort to it if you are used to raising children. They were so easy. So normal. All week, my son had tried to "be normal". When he failed and showed himself to be not so normal, I resented it. It angered me. Why couldn't I have that normalcy?
Wow. We've come so far in working with him; recognizing him for who he is; and trying to bring awareness to people about children with developmental issues like our son's. To have that strong emotional reaction to such a normal event in our lives, to have it blatantly evident that such events are NOT normal in other people's lives, hurt. Today my son taught me that I still have a long way to go. I need to embrace his love of life, his openness to new people and new experiences. I need to embrace his desire to succeed even if it's in steps, not leaps. Maybe I even need to cry and mourn when things go wrong. Life isn't perfect. We are perfect messes. But there can be great joy in that journey and in that growth.
My son keeps my humble. I am humbled by his grace. I am humbled by the beauty of who he is.
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