I'm not really one for making resolutions for the new year. If I see a problem, I attempt to resolve it. By nature, I'm a "fixer". I don't like chaos or disorder or uncertainty. Knowing my tendency to attempt to control chaotic events in my life, I sometimes think God looks down and says, "Oh daughter, when will you learn to give it to me completely. I've got this." Because I refuse to learn the lesson, it keeps being taught. Like a petulant child, I want to stomp my foot and scream "But I hate this lesson!"
Our youngest child is often the tool most utilized when attempting to teach me to turn it over to the Lord and let life play out as it will. His unpredictable developmental cycle is a constant source of worry, concern, and frustration for me. Just when it seems like things are stabilizing, his impulsiveness seems more in control, his health has improved, his agitation and frustration has minimized, the wheel will turn and a new laundry basket of issues will crop up. I know that given time and diligence, these new issues will resolve themselves. They always do. Yet, I feel anxious. Worried. Scared.
Over the last week or so, his stuttering has reached the worst level I've ever seen it. He is blocking to the point that his mouth moves, his muscles quiver, but nothing comes out. It is at its worst when he's tired. He doesn't seem to get frustrated or angry. It doesn't stop him from trying to express himself. But it worries me. I don't know why it's suddenly so bad. What triggers it? Why does it come and go indiscriminately? How will it impact him socially? Will it make him a target at school? Will it affect his self image and confidence? Will he ever out grow this?
I have to have faith. I have to believe and put it in the Lord's hands. I know that. I also know that when his language skills regress, other skills are developing and improving. It's his pattern. It's his normal cycle of abnormal development. Lately, we've seen an increase in his ability to delay gratification. When asked to wait (to speak, to get something, to do something, etc), he has been able to do so for short periods of time. This was previously absolutely impossible. He had no impulse control to delay that urge to meet his needs. He has recently had an increased social awareness of the impact of his behavior on himself and his peers. It is still a skill in development but it is a step in the right direction. Previously, he had no recognition that his behavior/choices had an impact on others. His math skills have progressed in a positive direction. He seems to have an increasing awareness of numbers and the relationship between them. His number sense was limited until recently.
As his mother, I need to have an awareness of where he is developmentally so that I can help him to reach his next goal and his full potential. As a child of God, I need to trust that the Lord has this. He will see us through whatever stumbling blocks are thrown in our way. As my son's primary cheerleader, I need to celebrate his new skills and accomplishments. I need to keep him working towards becoming the best HIM that he can possibly be. My job is to help our son (and myself) remember that he is a child of God and was created in His image with His purpose in mind. There is a bigger plan than I can see or imagine. We will get there together some day. I pray that I've learned to relax and enjoy the journey somewhere along the way. I guess that wouldn't be a bad resolution to make.
No comments:
Post a Comment