What is your definition of success? That question has been gnawing at me lately. In the past, my definition of success would have been straight A's, a college degree, a successful career, and a family to be proud of. I've earned those things and I am proud of that. I want those same things for my children. But is that success? These days, I would measure success more in terms of degrees and circumstances than in terms of accomplishments or recognition.
My life hasn't always been easy. Those that know me well know that I've faced some personal challenges. In spite of all that, I can say that life has come very easily for me. I'm a Type A, over achiever who isn't afraid to work hard or go after a goal. School came quite easily to me, probably too easy. I don't know if I actually ever studied for a test. As an undergraduate in college, I made note cards and pretended to study because I saw everyone else doing it, but if I'm honest, I never studied for a single final exam and still graduated Cum Laud. When I went for my masters degree, it was pretty much the same story and I graduated with a 4.0. Please don't interpret this as boastful or prideful because my feelings on the matter are quite the opposite. I'm ashamed that I never had to work to earn what I received, especially as I attempt to help my youngest son negotiate the challenges in life that he faces.
Our oldest son has followed very closely in my footsteps. I rarely, if ever, help him with homework. I don't have to. He starts and finishes it on his own. He's self motivated and self directed. Last marking period for the first time ever his grades in one class dropped to a B. I talked to him and simply said "If it's your best, I'm okay with it. If it's not, you need to fix it. You know for yourself what effort you've been putting into it." With the school year quickly coming to a close, his grade in that class this quarter is a 100%. Has he spent hours studying or doing homework? No. He just actually put more effort into his assignments and paid closer attention. Like myself, it comes too easy to him. When life throws challenges at him, it throws him off. It leaves him at a loss. He's not used to life being hard, a challenge, an effort. But the reality of life is that it is hard. It is a challenge. It is an effort. I sometimes worry that he will be unprepared for what life is going to throw at him. His life has been too easy and he hasn't learned that it can be cruel and unfair. I pray that he will rise to the occasion when challenged.
Life has NOT been easy for our youngest son. It has been a challenge from the very beginning. He has struggled to breathe, to roll over, to sit up, to crawl, to walk, to talk, to feed himself, to dress himself, to do anything that most kids and their parents take for granted. If there is a learning curve, he is consistently on the bottom end of that curve. In spite of that, maybe because of that, he always finds a way to improvise, to overcome... to succeed. When he started blocking with his speech, he's the one that discovered if he sang his bedtime prayer, he could get through it without blocking. When he started stuttering, he's the one that discovered that if he drew out his words, he wouldn't stutter and he could get the words out. Time and again, it was him that came up with a way to overcome his obstacles.
He works harder than anyone I've ever met and only gets average or acceptable results. We sit with him and work on homework for hours every night. When it is through, we are all tired and frustrated but we get it done. The school has asked us on more than one occasion if we wanted to reduce the amount of homework that he's required to complete. After a lot of thought, we told them no. It's not realistic for our son's life and his circumstances. Our son is going to have to work harder than others to accomplish the same goals. Telling him he doesn't have to do the same work isn't preparing him for the reality of his life. We monitor the situation closely. If it appears like he is giving all he can and it's not enough, then we change what we are doing and expecting. But he's not failing. He's succeeding. His version of success. He's stuck in a body that won't let him show the world just how clever and spectacular that he really is yet he's never down. He's never depressed. He BOUNDS through life with a smile and a "here I am!" attitude.
This year has been a year of transition in our lives. It took the whole year to find the appropriate medications to help him focus and succeed in the classroom but we finally seem to be getting him stabilized. Homework is taking less and less time. There are even days that he can start an assignment without us, while we throw supper in the oven, and then join him to help him move on or complete the activity. This was unheard of in the past. Success? You bet! He is starting to be able to follow more than one step directions at a time. It's still inconsistent but is it improving? You bet! He is even starting to verbalize how he feels about situations that are occurring without having a meltdown. It's not all the time but it's a start. Is that success? Definitely!
I don't know what life holds for our youngest child. His reality is very different than anything I have ever known or experienced. It's hard for me to relate at times but I'm trying. He's taught me more about life and God and love in his eight short years than I had learned in my whole life before he came into it. What is my definition of success these days? I don't know. He hasn't shown me yet but it's sure to be spectacular.
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