You've Just Got to Love Him

As we walk into one of our favorite restaurants, the owner steps out from behind the kitchen area to come greet us.  He and my youngest son had become buddies through our different trips to the creamery.  When we walked in the door, the owner bellowed "How's it going big daddy?"  My son looked back with a huge smile and said "There's my big buddy."  He then ran up to the counter, high-fived the owner, and proceeded to order his supper.  Part way through eating his supper, he informs the owner that he wanted cheese on his hot dog.  He and the owner have a conversation about Cheez Wiz before he wanders off to heat up a "special bowl of cheese for his little buddy".  After returning to our table, he dollops spoons of melted cheese over the hot dog and informs him that the extra should be used to dip his chips in. 

This is a very typical evening out with our son.  Everywhere we go, everyone seems to know and love him.  If they don't know him, they soon will.  He totally lacks boundaries.  You will become his friend because he leaves you no choice.  We have attended several family reunions or social functions where we knew hardly anyone in attendance.  Within moments of our arrival, he manages to introduce himself and engage even the most standoffish individuals in conversation.  His specialty is grumpy old men who like to hide by themselves in corners.  He wanders over, sits down beside them and starts chatting them up as if they were old buddies.  I used to worry that he was bothering people.  Now I just stand back and watch him work his magic.  By the end of the afternoon, he is hugging and kissing people goodbye who were complete strangers only a few hours before. 

I worry about his same age peers though.  Kids can be very cruel.  They haven't developed the filters that we adults often utilize.  They say what comes to mind.  When he was younger, it was less apparent that he lagged behind his same age peers.  He is now at an age though where he is taller and bigger than kids his age yet it is starting to become more obvious that he lags behind them developmentally.  Some of his peers have encouraged him to do things and say things that ended up getting him in trouble at school.  Because of his lack of boundaries, he doesn't always recognize that other kids his age don't want to be hugged or kissed or pulled on to get their attention.  I fear that he will be seen as "that strange kid" that the others tease or make fun of. 

There are signs that he is starting to recognize that there are some differences between him and his peers.  He displays some subtle behavior shifts that show a rising awareness of the differences.   He is developing a greater resistance to attending his occupational therapy sessions.  His therapist voiced that he doesn't understand why he needs to keep coming to OT because he doesn't see himself as different from his peers.  He definitely has a need for the services because he isn't meeting his therapy goals.  I think his resistance has more to do with the fact that he is starting to see the difference between him and his peers.  My heart aches for this transition/transformation.  He is NOT dumb or slow intellectually.  Unfortunately, his body will not let him express himself they way his same age peers can.  There is an extremely bright child trapped inside a body that will not cooperate to move or speak the way he wants it to.  To then recognize that others see him as different, must be frustrating beyond belief.  I can't do anything to help him except offer my love and support.  This is something he must learn and survive. 

I have little fear for our son long term.  He will learn to overcome his expressive issues.  He is too strong willed by nature to do otherwise.  He will develop friendships and relationships with many people  along the way.  He is too social by nature to do otherwise.  He will succeed in whatever he cares strongly about.  He is too oppositional by nature to do otherwise.  I just pray that he doesn't encounter too much heartache or disappointment along the way.  Life has given him enough of that.  I pray we know how to support him through these years of transition and trial.  Please Lord, help our son grow and develop into the man that You want him to be.  It's going to be quite a journey.

Learning to Find the Humor Again

I haven't written for quite awhile.  Life had gotten very busy and my writing needed to take a backseat.  Ironically, if anything, life has gotten even more hectic and complicated. In light of life's recent twists, turns, and obstacles, I decided to make the time to write.  I may be the only one who reads this, but the writing of it is a cathartic practice that helps to put the chaos that is my world into its proper perspective.

Our youngest son has been in a developmental lag for longer than we have typically experienced in the past.  It has all of us a bit stymied and frustrated.  His occupational therapist says his focus is much improved from the past but his motivation is lacking.  At school, they tell us he is very motivated to do well and actively participates but lacks focus.  At home, he is exhausted and prone to tantrums because he is exhausted.  At least once every couple weeks, he falls asleep soon after coming home from school and sleeps until the next morning.  We can tell the day of the week based upon his frustration level and tendency for tantrums.  The later in the week, the greater the likelihood a meltdown will occur. 

My method of coping with stress is to utilize a dry sarcastic sense of humor.  In recent months, I had a difficult time finding the humor in our son's behavior.  It didn't seem to matter what I tried or how hard I worked, he didn't seem to be improving.  With everything else that life has thrown at me, I just couldn't find the silver lining or the funny in the moments like I had in the past.  I was frustrated.  Why couldn't I help my own son?  I was angry.  I didn't sign up for this.  Why couldn't he be like other kids his age?  I was scared.  What if he doesn't start to catch up with his peers?  Will life always be this hard for him?  For us? 

I look at the person I was before our youngest son.  There are things that I miss about that girl.  She thought the world was hers to take.  Nothing was out of reach with enough hard work and effort.  Wow.  What naivete, or was it optimism? 

On the other hand, I look at that girl and there are things about her that sadden me.  How judgmental she could be!   She looked at other people's life experiences and judged them without knowing what their lives were really like.  Wow.  I'm so sorry for that.

That girl also thought she knew the Lord.  But her understanding of the Lord was based on a girl who seemed to be standing with her hands on her hips saying "Here I am Lord.  Here's what I deserve.  I'm your follower.  Now make it happen."  Wow.  What complacency and arrogance.  I'm especially sorry for that.

Life with my youngest son has opened my eyes in so many ways.  I discovered that it doesn't matter what life hands you. It is never going to be fair. Or easy. Or uncomplicated. That's not how life works. What does ultimately matter is how you handle it. 

I may no longer be that naive or optimistic girl of my past.  Indeed, I am much less likely to judge the life of those around me.  Instead, I have been greatly humbled by life.  It has taken my hearing.  It has shown me weakness of body and spirit.  It has shown me that I can't cure my son or make him better.  I can't control what circumstances life brings me and my family. 

I am once again beginning to see the humor in life with our youngest son. He exhausts me. He frustrates me. He also makes me laugh like crazy. 

We argued over socks.  An argument that involved twenty minutes of trying to rationally, calmly explain why socks must be worn; that the socks must be dry ones, not wet ones; and that they must match since I sent him to school with his sneakers on the wrong feet the day before.  (I didn't want them to think I was a COMPLETE failure as a mother!)  For twenty minutes, I was calm.  For twenty minutes, I was patient.  For twenty minutes, I was a good mother.  After twenty minutes... I lost my mind and found myself hopping up and down and ranting "Put on some matching socks right this minute or I am going to lose my mind."  Who can't find humor in moments of insanity like that? 

When his father told him he couldn't go to the Atrium Cafe at the hospital after therapy, he lay down in the middle of the hospital, on the floor and held a civil protest.  Minutes later, he jumped up and declared he was the "worstest father in the world".  He then ran down the hall and disappeared out of sight.  My husband found him hiding in a corner down the hospital corridor.  Who can't find humor in such lunacy?

After a particularly nasty meltdown, we gave him a bath to help him calm himself down.  The warm water seems to take all the frustration and aggression out of him.  It almost always works.  As he lay in the tub, finally calm and relaxed, his father attempted to process the tantrum with him.  "Now don't you think instead of throwing a tantrum and yelling at us, you could just try talking to us?"  Our son looks at him, strokes his chin in serious thought and replies "Hmm.  I should try that."  Who wouldn't laugh at that?  Well, come to think of it, maybe not everyone.  But when faced with moments like these on a regular basis, you learn to find the humor when and where you can. 

The life I am living has shown me that I can survive it.  Not with my hands on my hips with demands of arrogance.  Instead, I am surviving down on my knees, humbled in prayer.  Please Lord, see me through these days.  I don't know what you have planned for me and my family but if it is your will, please bring us through it.  Maybe that was the lesson meant for me all along.