In the past, I have discussed the impact of having a child with special needs on the family as a whole; on myself, as a mother; and on my oldest son, as an older sibling. Today, I will attempt to relate the experience of parenting a child with special needs from my husband's perspective. Statistics are unclear regarding fathers and children with special needs. What statistics are available tend to paint a somewhat bleak picture. They show that the divorce rates of parents of children with special needs are higher than the national average and that those households are usually headed by mothers raising their children alone. That is why a father's perspective is very important indeed.
While discussing our son and his issues, the question arose, "What is the most difficult thing about being a father to our son?" After a pause, my husband replied, "It depends on whether you mean in the past or present tense." In the past, it would have been coming to terms with how he parented our boys and his priorities in regard to our family. Our oldest son was a very easy child to raise. Because of that, my husband admits that it was very easy for him to go off and do what he wanted without having to think about the impact it would have on the family. He could do the things that interested him without worrying that it was keeping me from doing what I wanted to do because our son would cooperate with pretty much anything.
Such is not the case with our youngest son. Our world now revolves around who is supervising our youngest child. If he is around, it requires a dedicated level of attention and supervision because you cannot predict what he is getting into or if he is a being a safety risk to himself. Even at six years of age, it requires a level of supervision comparable to that of a three or four year old. My husband commented that "You just can't trust him." Our youngest son is highly impulsive. He lacks an awareness of danger and an awareness of the consequences of his behavior. If you tell him no or stop, he does not understand that by not listening, he could get hurt. My husband started taking our oldest son with him to the fire hall, to the wood shop, and to the woods to go hunting at a very young age. He is very hesitant to do these same things with our youngest son. "You can't turn your back on him for a second or trust that he is staying out of trouble" like you could with our oldest son, who would ride his tricycle around the shop for hours while my husband worked on projects. Our youngest son thinks nothing of stealing tools and climbing under or on the tractor to "work on it". Images of him turning on a belt sander or table saw keep my husband from trusting him to go along to work on projects. In addition, once our youngest fixates on something he wants to do, no amount of distraction or redirection will sway him from avoiding that activity, even if that activity could be dangerous.
Because of these supervision issues with our youngest, my husband has had to learn to prioritize. He has had to learn to tell others outside of the family no. It also means that sometimes he needs to put aside what he wants to do for the good of the family. He may need to come home to get the boys off the bus instead of going out hunting right after work. Not much fun, that's for sure, but I can tell you that the choices he is making are paying off big time. The boys recognize that he is around more. They are less resistant to his redirection and feedback and have stopped coming to me to second guess what he is telling them. His time at home is seen as less of a distraction from our routine and is now seen as more of a blessing. It is now normal to hear "Daddy, come cuddle with me." or "Daddy, come read me this book." It is common these days to see them cuddled up watching a hunting program or an episode of The Three Stooges.
In terms of parenting in the present, my husband admits that having our youngest son has made him have to take a closer look at how he parented. It was easy to "bully" our oldest son into doing what he needed to do. If you raised your voice, our oldest son would stop what he was doing and cooperate. This was how my husband used to parent. This DEFINITELY doesn't work with our youngest child. Our youngest cannot be bullied. He cannot be intimidated. Instead, he sees these behaviors as a direct challenge. His issues and his personality have caused my husband to have to closely examine how he interacts with our children. As he puts it, "I have had to look at my level of patience when it comes to our boys." Instead of demanding or ordering, he has learned to ask. Instead of coming off with anger, he has learned how to discuss, reason, and explain. He admits that having to learn to be patient with them isn't a bad thing. Our oldest son may have let us get away with lazy parenting techniques. Not our youngest. Nope. He will make us work twice as hard, but in the end, the results are more positive for everyone. We have both learned to be better parents because of him.
Our youngest child has also taught my husband that "not all battles need fought today." He has had to learn to choose wisely when it comes to addressing issues with him. Is this an issue that can be won today, or is it an issue that needs to wait to be waged at a later date? Will our son's skills allow him to grasp the significance of what he is trying to get across to him? This is a skill that has value when interacting with people across all walks of life.
When asked what was the best part of being a Dad to our youngest son, my husband's face lit up with a smile and he replied without delay, "He's such a cool kid. They both are. But he's just an awesome kid. He's a crazy little nut." It's fun to watch him become who he's going to become. "The chance to help to raise a special young child like this is priceless." To take pride in who he is and who he is becoming. To know that we had a part in that. That is what makes it worth all the hard work, worry, and sacrifice. And isn't it fun to see, that while we are teaching and helping him to grow, he's doing the same for us as well.
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