I'm going to start tonight's blogpost by stating that I do not have adequate words to express what I am trying to say. I don't know that there are words to express how I am feeling and what I am thinking. But I feel the need to try. I'm going to fumble through it because I feel like there is a real need to try. So I have one request. If you continue to read tonight's post, please read it with an open mind and an open heart. Read it with the understanding that my heart is genuine and my intentions are true. If you can't do that, or if you are unwilling to listen and possibly open yourself to uncomfortable feelings, ideas, and questions, then please stop reading now. This post may not be meant for you.
Our country is struggling. Our communities are hurting. Our children and families are scared and angry.
Today, we received an all call message from my son's school. Threats had allegedly been made by a student and police and school officials were addressing the issue and investigating but they felt there was no need for concern. They felt the situation was under control. In light of the numerous school shootings across our country, my response may surprise you. I felt calm. It gave me pause. It made me say a prayer. It made me send my oldest son a text that simply said "Fun phone call from school. (Please understand that we are fluent in sarcasm as a language at our house.) Love you. Keep eyes and ears open. Be smart. Be safe." Then I put it aside, moved on with my day, and resumed activities in my classroom with my own students.
Why? Why that response?
Simple. Well... not really. But simple for me.
We believe in a God everlasting. We understand that this life is out of our control to a very large degree. We can do our part to make it the best that it can be but ultimately, we have no control. An out of control bus could run us over tomorrow. A crazed maniac at Wal-Mart could shank us on a Saturday morning shopping trip. We could be diagnosed with cancer. Life doesn't come with a guarantee. But we are solid in the understanding that when our time comes, we know where we are going. We know that we will be re-united one day with one another. That truth is solid in the core of who we are in our family.
My dearest love, friend, and co-worker lost her beloved son in an auto accident 10 days after we started working together. It was a loss that tore apart the fabric of her life. It was a devastation that I can only begin to fathom. Over the last three years, we have traversed this journey of loss and acceptance together. In my heart and soul, I believe that we were brought together to be there for one another. Our connection is eerie. We know what the other is thinking and can anticipate the other's response without speaking. That can't be by chance.
Her loss taught me some incredibly important lessons. One, every day is precious. Love your family without limits. Tell them. Show them. Be there. Be present. Be involved. You don't know if you will get another chance. Second, loss that deep doesn't end. Ever. It is without limits. But you can move forward. You can live again. You can laugh again. You can feel joy again. It takes time. A long time. Finally, you need to breathe and take things as they come. You have to prioritize what is important to you and what is not. If you don't value it, then don't give it your time and energy.
In our home, we discuss everything. We debate. We present opposing points of view. We get on a soapbox. Words are important and we share them with one another. As events have unfolded in our country, it has given us lots to discuss. I've tried very hard to do a lot of listening, both to my family and to those outside my home. I've heard people's solutions. People's fears. People's anger. People's blame. I've heard it all. We've discussed it all.
My youngest son has little to say on current events. These ideas and concepts and too distant to him. Too abstract. He's much more passionate about the fact that kids talk back to his teachers and he thinks that's disrespectful. He hates that they disrupt his learning.
My oldest son is very much my son. He is very clear in his thinking. Why worry about what you can't control? It's not going to change the outcome. If someone wants to do serious harm to others, they will find a way. In the meantime, if there is a chance to escape, do so. If not, he doesn't intend to die hiding. If he has to go, he's going to do it standing up for others.
As a mother, that makes my heart stutter. It gives me genuine pain. As a human being, as a protector and advocate of children, it gives me pride. Stand up. Please Lord, don't make the moment arise. Protect my son from that moment because I know his heart is true. If you know my oldest son, you know his heart is true. He is one of the best people I have ever met. That's not me speaking as his mother. That's the truth.
So now you understand my response to today's events. Well, maybe not understand but you can comprehend why I think the way that I think.
As I've listened and read and attempted to learn and hear from others about issues unfolding in our country, I'm not hearing the questions that keep coming up in my mind. Maybe it's my career path. Maybe it's the wiring in my brain. Maybe others are just afraid to voice what I am thinking.
So here it is.
For eighteen years, I taught court committed female teenage offenders. In other words, I taught history, health, and life skills to teenage girls in lock up. It was exhausting. It was heart wrenching. It was frustrating. And I loved it. I loved them. Yep. You heard that right. I loved them. I loved their hearts. I loved who they had the potential to become if life had taken them down different roads. For eighteen years, I heard the stories of the worst things that humans could do to other humans. Mothers who left grown men have sex with their preschool age daughter to score a line of coke. Mothers who sold their daughters to pimps to get drugs. Women who threw their daughters out and called them whores when their current boyfriend sexually abused her and she finally worked up the courage to tell the one person who should have protected her. And worse. Far worse. Stories that still eat at my soul and I've been away from it for three years. Stories that I will never forget or want to forget. I took them sled riding for gym class. I taught them history as I braided their hair to calm them down to keep them from jumping the girl in the next class who gave them dirty looks. I told them funny stories about my son with special needs because they have a soft spot for the under dog. Because they've always been the under dog. Always.
They are the disposable children. The children no one wants. The children no one keeps. They were my girls. And I loved them.
These are the kids that grow up to be school shooters. They are the cast aways.
How do they become school shooters? What is the turning point? When is enough enough or too much too much? Why does no one see it coming?
Everyone wants to blame these kids. Hear me. PLEASE hear me. They are responsible for their choices and the consequences of their choices. I'm no bleeding heart liberal here. People are responsible for their choices. But ALL people are responsible for their choices. All people.
The system that allows disposable children to bounce from foster family to foster family like a puppy from the pound. The system that releases these children into the world without support or skills because they maxed out of the system due to age. The system that ties the hands of schools by not funding what matters. Not enough support staff. Not enough school psychologists. Not enough guidance counselors. Not enough training on de-escalation skills and the effects of trauma on children and their learning. The parents on both sides of the issues that don't teach their children that their choices have consequences. Period. If you bully someone, treat them like dirt, push them aside, degrade them, harass them, there are ultimately going to be consequences. On the other hand, when you finally decide that violence is an option and a choice, there will and SHOULD be serious and immediate consequences.
There is lots broken and lots of blame to go around. But that's not what I care about.
I do NOT have the answers. I wouldn't pretend to. Armed guards. Armed teachers. Metal detectors. Corporal punishment. Lock the little #@*@$ up. Ban guns. More guns. I don't know. These aren't simple issues. There are no quick fixes to this. Things didn't get this broken over night. They won't get fixed over night. It's going to take a generation or more to heal this. If it can be healed.
So here's what I do know.
Kids AND adults need to understand that words DO matter. They have consequences. That starts at the top. When world leaders act like spoiled children throwing tantrums and name calling, it matters. When the adults in a child's life, belittle and degrade others, that is heard. It is seen. It is processed. Kids miss nothing. You are teaching them how to treat others. Do as I say not as I do is crap. Kids do what they see. What is modeled. What is reinforced. So do better. Be better.
Befriend the loveless. Volunteer with the unloved and unwanted. Get out in your communities and care. What is your talent, skill, gift? Use it to help others. Work at a soup kitchen. Volunteer as a fireman. Fundraise for an organization. Teach Sunday school. Clean up the roads and parks in your town. Join Big Brothers/Big Sisters. Coach a sports team. Call your local school that you love to blast on social media and find out how you can help. What can you do to be part of the solution? Lots of armchair critics are quick to blast, criticize, and gossip. What are your solutions? Real life, off your behind solutions.
Now I'm going to step away from this and go read my youngest son a bedtime story. And tomorrow, I'll go back into the trenches and give 100% to my students and come home and love my family. Because life doesn't stop moving forward.
Sometimes, we just need to stop and breathe. Breathe in slow. Breath out slower.
