As we prepare to transition our youngest son to middle school, my husband and I have been spending a lot of time identifying where we are in the process. What success has our son found? What are his areas of need? What can we do to build on his strengths? What can we do to help him grow in his areas of weakness? I think all parents worry about these same issues. Are they doing enough? Can they do more? When your child is consistently at the bottom end of achievement of his same age peers, just on the cusp of falling behind but never quite left behind, those concerns are amplified.
One area that we have worked on consistently and diligently is our son's self control and self regulation skills. Our ultimate goal is long term independence and self reliance. Sometimes I fear that he will never be fully self sufficient. Truthfully, it is my biggest fear. When we step back to evaluate where his is and identify how far he has come, we realize that he is making progress toward our long term goal.
Life with our youngest son requires a lot of planning and managing. Has he had sufficient sleep? Does he understand the situation and his expectations for that situation? How does he feel about it? All these factors strongly influence his ability to self regulate and control his behavior. Our goal is to ultimately leave the planning and managing in his hands. He will eventually be responsible for determining if he is capable of managing a situation or if he needs to take a step back and better prepare for it.
This weekend we had an example of where he is in his self regulating journey. Because our oldest son had a parade he needed to march in with the marching band, we sent our youngest up to our cabin for work weekend a day early with his uncle. My husband supervised packing and preparing our son for the weekend. He packed and labeled his medicine, clothes, and supplies. He reviewed with him his expectations and prepared him for who would be there and what they would be doing. In other words, my husband laid the groundwork for our son to self-regulate. This involved conversations, reassurances, rehearsals, and more conversations. It took place over days with repetition of the same conversations, reassurances, rehearsals, and even more conversations. (This was for something our son was very excited to take part in.)
According to all reports, our son managed himself well. He reported that he forgot to brush his teeth and take his evening medication. He also reported that he drove the guys crazy but none of them complained to my husband about him. The guys told my husband that he kept asking all the guys to go play poker. This is his favorite thing about going to the cabin. Instead, the guys worked until late and then had a late supper. By all accounts, it seems as if he did a pretty good job of holding himself together. He even fell asleep on the way home. Yesterday was a very low key evening.
Even though our son slept in late, he woke up this morning looking for a fight. It was one of those mornings in which everything resulted in tears or an argument. There was no rationalizing or reasoning. There were just tears and frustration. As a result, we skipped church and hoped that getting his morning medicine and a nutritious breakfast in him might alter his mood. It didn't.
Our son had been invited to a swimming birthday party today. It was for one of his favorite friends. We decided to pass on the party because of his inability to swim and his increased impulsiveness this morning. Thankfully, he didn't remember the invitation. We had also been invited to go to an end of the school year picnic at a friend's river lot. We hoped that with a quiet morning at home, he might be better equipped to handle that event. His quick temper flares and unexplained crying jags made the decision for us to pass on this event as well. Instead we loaded up and headed out to take our oldest son to visit his girlfriend and her family for the day. After dropping him off, we stopped at the store to quickly grab some essentials that we were completely out of. While in the store, our son contained himself and kept himself under control. No tears. No arguing. No misbehavior. Public behavior.
When we got home, a simple text from our oldest asking if he could hold drumline practice at our house after the parade next week, launched our youngest into another crying jag. My husband and I both took turns trying to explain that it didn't mean he couldn't attend the carnival. It just meant we may have to go to the carnival on a different night or see if his grandparents would take him after the parade. There was no reasoning with him. He was irrational. In the end, he went into our bedroom, lay down, and took a three hour nap. He was spent. Done. Finished.
As he slept, my husband and I discussed the situation. In hindsight, everything we had experienced today made sense. For twenty-four hours, our youngest was solely responsible for controlling himself. For regulating his behavior. We weren't there to plan, prepare, and support. He was in control. Of himself. And for twenty-four hours, he did it. When he came home? He fell apart. It was now safe to fall apart for a little while. He could be out of control, tired, unfocused. He could be himself for a bit.
We often have people tell us how well our son does out in public. "He was so good." "He was so sweet and funny." "He did such a good job participating." I could share dozens of similar comments and conversations. I'm always relieved to hear them. I'm grateful that he does well when he's out in public. That's how he's been raised. His expectation is that while in public, he behaves like a gentleman. In public, you hold it together. Public behavior.
At home, that's his safe place. That's where the extra effort happens. If he isn't in a position to be able to control himself and behave appropriately in public, it's our job to help him regulate that situation. We either need to support him to better control himself or we need to make the decision to not put him in the position to fail in public. At home, you're always loved. At home, bad days happen and it will still be okay. At home, it's safe to fall apart and make mistakes. At home, you're always supported.
This weekend showed us that without his usual family supports being physically present, he now has the ability to self regulate for short periods of time. It also showed us that it has a toll on him. It is exhausting for him to hold himself together. But he can do it. It also shows us that the hidden efforts that we put forth on his behalf are paying off. They have an impact. They are beneficial and essential for his success. We are making progress. We also have a long way to go.
