Change comes in many forms from minor schedule changes, to changes in employment, to births and deaths in the family. As a family, we have been dealing with a variety of minor and major changes in our lives. They seem to be having a cumulative effective on our youngest son who takes any change as a serious event that must be analyzed, evaluated, and added to his box of life experiences. Even seemingly minor changes in our lives often have unforeseen implications for him.
On the last day of third grade, our youngest son left school very excited by his teacher assignment because she was the one he had wanted to get for class. Fortunately, he also got to keep his Title I teacher and her assistant. His speech teacher and other therapy team members would also remain unchanged. As his parents, we heaved a sigh of relief because it appeared that there would be very little transition to see him through.
In spite of the apparent consistency in his educational team, our son expressed anxiety about transitioning to fourth grade. Almost from the beginning of summer break, he kept telling us it was going to be so hard. There was going to be a ton of homework. There were going to be three PSSA tests instead of just two tests. As the summer progressed, so did his anxiety. Some of our choices that were designed to help him be better prepared for middle school in two years, probably had the unintended effect of adding to that anxiety.
As I have discussed previously, our son's stuttering and blocking had become very severe over the last year. His self feeding skills and other personal care skills were also not age appropriate. With the thought that we had one more school year to prepare him to face middle school, we decided to re-enroll him in out-patient speech and occupational therapy (OT) services. Although we could see improvement in his speech issues, it seemed to give him something else to fixate on. Would he still have speech and OT at school? If he had speech and OT at the hospital and at school, would it be too much? He was going to have too much homework to do this other stuff too.
Another big source of change and anxiety for our family was a change in my employment. After eighteen years of teaching teenage females in correction settings, I was re-assigned to a Pre-k classroom. This new assignment is 45 minutes from home. For the first time in their lives, I am now leaving home before my sons are on the bus for the day. Although my oldest son is in high school and more than capable of putting his brother on the bus, this change caused our youngest son a lot of concern. Where would I be during the day? What would I be doing? What if he needed me? It's really far away. I was quite anxious about making a major transition in teaching environments but had to put my own fears on the back burner and focus a lot of energy on helping our son see this as a smooth transition.
Just as we entered my second full week of teaching in my new assignment, the district I am contracted to went on strike. I have now been off work waiting for the strike to end for almost three weeks. This has opened new sources of concern. Every day he asks "When are you going back to work Mom?" "Are you going to work today?" "What are you going to be doing today?" "Where are you going today Mom?"
In addition, we have had two deaths, a birth, and a wedding all within the last month. One of the deaths was work related but the discussion of it and the sadness expressed over it, seemed to effect him. A wedding is a beautiful source of joy and there is nothing our son enjoys more than partying at a wedding. But this too brings anxiety. When is it? Where is it? Who will be there? What will happen there? The birth of my niece meant a two hour drive down to see her. He started talking as soon as he got in the truck and continued to talk (non-stop) until we pulled in my brother's driveway. The most recent funeral that we attended was for a long time friend that passed from the effects of Leukemia. We attended his services and memorial dinner as a family. Seeing our friend grieving for the loss of her husband had an impact on our youngest. Many times that day and in recent days, he has said "She was crying Mom. She was really sad." It has been a great opportunity to discuss sadness and loss. It seems to be something he is trying to make sense of in his mind and in his heart. I'm not sure he has fully processed it yet but I think he is making progress.
As I often describe to others, our son's anxiety "comes out sideways". His anxiety over school and homework often takes the form of picking a fight with me to vent his frustration and fear. If I tell him I've had enough and need a break, that he needs to work with his father or brother, he clings to me and cries and begs me to keep working with him. "I need you. They can't help me." It is so hard to control your frustration when you just need to step back for five minutes and he physically will not separate to let you regain your composure. I get chest pain. I feel like crying. As the adult, I have to swallow that and maintain. Sometimes, I don't want to be an adult. Sometimes I don't want to maintain. When you're a mom, you don't get a choice.
Our son's play often reflects where he is mentally and psychologically. For example, this week he has been planning the funeral services for one of his stuffed animals. Yesterday, he took his Bible out and went outside to perform a burial service for him. He asked if the family had plans for Thursday night because that was when he was holding the funeral dinner for his stuffed animal. A couple weeks ago, several of stuffed animals got married. The whole family had to go down to the basement to attend the service. He had seats set up for us and a script written of what everyone would say. When he plays school with his stuffed animals, he often "tests" them to see how well they read or complete math worksheets he has created. His play is often a clear window into what his mind is focused on.
Thankfully, I return to work on Monday. I'm looking forward to having us all in a routine together again. School has not been going as well as I would have hoped and his Title I teacher will go on maternity leave around the Christmas holiday. I will have to make up days lost due to the strike over the holidays when the boys and my husband are off school and work. I know these are transitions we still have to face. I don't look forward to them but change is a fact of life. It's our job to teach him how to accept change; help him adapt to it; and how to become stronger through his life changes. With our support systems and lots of prayer, we'll get there some day.
