My mom got another one of those emails today. They said I had a bad day at school. I can understand why they might say that. Sometimes I can't focus on what they are saying or what they are doing. Other times, I think of something that needs to be done and I hop right out of my seat to go do it. And sometimes, I just start to cry. I'm so frustrated and sad. I don't know what else to do. If they knew what it took for me to make it through a day, they might say I had a pretty good day. If they only knew.
At the end of the day, I'm so tired that sometimes I fall asleep in the middle of saying my prayers. It takes a lot of energy trying to be good and do everything everyone expects of me. I sleep very soundly and would prefer to sleep ten to twelve hours most nights. Even though I go to bed by eight o'clock every night, I still have a hard time waking up in the morning. It takes me awhile to tolerate light, or sound... or people. I am NOT a morning person.
Getting dressed isn't as hard as it used to be. I'm getting pretty good at it. I still have trouble buttoning and zipping jeans so I mostly wear jogging pants or athletic pants to school but I'm getting better and better with my jeans. Mom gets frustrated with me sometimes because I still put my shirt on backwards most days. She thinks I should be able to do this correctly by now so when she gets frustrated with me, I get frustrated with her. I don't mean to do it wrong all the time. Some days I still put my socks on with the heel on top but not as often. I'm getting better at fixing them when I get it wrong. I can also put on my own sneakers and pull the strings tight. My hands don't seem to cooperate with the rest of the shoe tying process. It makes me really frustrated, especially when we are trying to get to the bus on time. Mom makes my brother tie them for me on school days. I hate it when he makes comments that I should be able to do this by now. I know that but my hands won't do it right. We practice on the weekends when we have more time and shoe tying is our new summer goal. I want to be able to do it by myself by the time I start third grade.
I pick a fight with my brother and my mom every morning when it's time to go out to the bus. I'm really hoping that I won't have to go to school or ride on that bus. I just want to stay home with my family. I tell them every day that I miss them and that time with them is the best part of my day. They still make me go. Sometimes I think they don't understand.
My bus ride is forty minutes long. I have a really hard time sitting still and staying calm. Plus there is this girl who rides my bus that is also in my class at school who says mean things to me and makes me cry. She tells me I smell and I'm a baby. I really just want her to be my friend but she's so mean. I don't understand why. Sometimes she gets the other kids on the bus or at school to say mean things to me too. It's really hard for me to understand because everyone else I know loves me. All the people at the fire hall love me. All the people at church love me. And all of my extended family love me and want to spend time with me. Why do they act like that at school? It hurts and it's confusing.
I really like my teachers and all the grown ups. It makes me sad that I frustrate them sometimes. When I have to go to the bathroom, I forget that I have to raise my hand and ask. I don't realize I have to go until it's almost too late and I don't want to have an accident. That is embarrassing. So when I realize I have to go, I jump up and go to the bathroom without asking. My teacher gets upset with me. When the other classes are in the hall going somewhere, I can't stop hearing them. I can't focus on what my teacher is saying or what I'm supposed to be doing. My teacher tries to help by teaching with the door closed but I can still hear them. I know it frustrates her. I'm really sorry.
Sometimes, I do something wrong or something happens and the teachers ask me to tell them about it. I don't always want to tell them because I don't want them to get mad at me again. It always feels like I'm upsetting them. Other times, I just can't explain it. The words are right in my head. I know what happened but I can't seem to be able to tell a story from beginning to end in a logical order that makes sense to other people. When they ask me questions to help me try to explain, I get so frustrated. Why can't they just understand what I am telling them? It's so hard to get the words out some days when my stuttering and disfluencies are at their worst. Then they ask me too many questions. I just don't know. I just want them to stop asking me questions! Don't they know how hard it is for me to explain things?
I have one best friend and one good friend. They are both in different classes this year. I miss them so much. Because the other kids don't like the way I stare, they think I'm weird and don't always want to play with me. They don't realize that staring is learning. I'm watching what they are doing and trying to process it. I want to be like them.
After the day is over and I've survived another long bus ride home with the mean girl, I finally get to be home with my family. I'm so tired. I wish they knew how much I missed them and how much I wanted to stay home with them. Instead, I often take my frustration out on them, especially when I have to start working on all my homework. Because I need extra help, that means I have extra homework. In addition to my regular homework, I also have extra practice spelling sheets to complete and an extra reading story to read each night. If my mom and dad don't keep me focused, I actually fall asleep in the middle of reading the stories. There are nights that Mom has to write my teachers a note telling them that I fell asleep around five or six o'clock and didn't get my homework done.
They said I had a bad day. I know I did. That's why I get so frustrated sometimes. I love people so much and want to make everyone happy. Being with other people makes me smile and laugh. The energy inside of me just wants to burst out of me but school doesn't like me like that. They want me quiet and still. So I try. I really do. But I know I'm not doing it right and that makes me sad.
